Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
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2007-06-18 04:50:52 (UTC)

Spinning

I write so often that my head is spinning that it probably
doesn't mean much any more. But...be that as it may...my
head is spinning, in ways I didn't quite expect. Really
honestly, I wish I knew what my problem was. Honest to
fucking god.

There is a lot going on right now that will likely be
written about at a later stage, lots of things stressing
people out, tempers already on edge running a bit more
frayed, I suppose...and I don't imagine the hot, humid
weather is really helping matters too much, either...

And with that in mind, we were supposed to go to my
parents' place for Father's Day. True to form, it didn't
go as planned. I'm really fucking tired of being stood up
and having argument upon argument over everything, like
going to my parents' house for dinner. I mean, how
fucking hard is it to get your ass back into a car and to
be driving to a place where someone else will make you
food and give you a nice place to eat and drink and have
some decent conversation?

But no. It turns into a giant stupid argument, as usual.
And then, after I try, and after the whole, walk away come
back, walk away come back, routine (he's lying on the bed,
I'm the one walking away), I get fed up and just leave.
He was acting stupid, so he said, as retaliation for me
attacking him over laundry. (I had got some laundry
together to take to my parents' place and he hates that
because it takes a long time, but I offered, though with a
bit of tone, to not actually do the laundry today, I'd
leave it at home if it would keep the peace, and it just
escalated from there.) He'd already told me he wanted me
to shut up, that of course he didn't want to go, that I
didn't want him to go, that he wasn't really invited
anyway (me: I extended the invitation, wasn't that good
enough?), he never had a chance to decline (me: you could
always say you didn't want to come, it would be preferable
for everyone to hear it earlier rather than RIGHT
NOW)...so I finally just got fed up and left. By the time
I got to the car in the basement, he was on his third
attempt at calling me (I missed the first two). Reception
was crappy and I drove out to ground level and hung up on
him repeatedly (mean, I know, and blaming it on the cell
phone, because some of the times I hung up, it was because
reception was lost...)...and we start fighting again...why
would he want to come when he's not welcome? I don't want
him to come and he doesn't feel welcomed anyway. My
parents do something to make you feel unwelcomed?
Absofuckinglutely. Give me one example. He can't and
that's not the point. (WHATEVER.) I told him I was
already driving away and then he says he was going to come
but now it was too late. No, I'm still downstairs, you
can come. Then it's: do you want me to come, yes or no?
And we fight over the question, because my answer, "I have
told you fifteen times I want you to come" isn't good
enough, he wants yes or no. So I get PISSED and yell into
the phone, Frankly, NO, I don't want you to come any more
because you've pissed me off so badly but it's not the
appropriate thing to do right now, so YES I want you to
come. So he says he'll be down in a minute. OH I can't
fucking wait.

So he comes down and within a block we're fighting again.
I have the music up really loud, after he told me just
wants me to shut up, so whatever. Then he gets pissed.
STOP THE CAR. I don't even answer. I don't stop. Until
we get to a red light. At which point, as I roll to a
stop, I say, "There we go. Stopped." So he gets out of
the car, on the corner, and slams the door shut (well,
maybe he didn't mean to slam it, I took it as a slam, but
whatever, it was just a firm door closing), and starts
walking back in the direction of the house.

I was so pissed. SO FUCKING PISSED. And as I was sitting
at the red light, I was contemplating my options as I
watched him walking away, through the review mirror. I
could turn the car around at the corner and wait to see if
he'd come back, or I could turn right the way around, and
go driving past him and to beep and let him know I'd pick
him up again. Or...I could keep driving and make him
sweat and then turn around. Or...I could just keep
driving and show him that for once, I wasn't taking this
crap.

And guess what I did?

I watched in the rearview mirror to see if he was going to
turn around. He turned back once, to see what was going
on, but then kept walking, and I thought, you know what?
Bugger it. I am not turning back for your sorry ass. No
one made you get out of the car. No one made you get mad
at me and start telling me to shut up and stop nagging
when all I did was ask why you can't just tell me what's
wrong instead of going off and treating me like that and
acting like you're so put out and rolling your eyes and
saying, "Godddddddddddddddd" and "I just wish you'd be
quiet, that's all I want," like I'm some mother fucking
stupid rabid dog that can't shut up. So I got pissed and
I kept driving, all the way to my parents' place.

A few minutes after I finally get there, he's calling me
on the cell phone. I answer it and walk outside, and he's
all on about "Thank you for leaving me there, I can't
believe you didn't come back," and I start to let him have
it, about what did he want me to do, cause a traffic
kaffuffle on a busy street, waiting for him, no, he says,
you could have turned at the corner, and who made you get
out of the car anyway?, and he goes on about how the music
was so loud he couldn't think and he had to get out (me:
you could have turned it down, though he did rightly say I
wouldn't have allowed that, at all), and how I didn't want
him to go anyway, and all of this, and that he was truly
sorry he couldn't be there, he was just tense and
stressed, and finally we just hung up. (Much later on, he
called back and said his apology more sincerely and
mentioned how he was just an idiot and how he was just
stressed and tense and he shouldn't have acted like
that...)

But here's the part that made me laugh. I recounted this
story to my mother and my aunt, and a bit separately to my
father, but in less detail. The very fact that I was
telling them ANY of this is very very strange for me, and
really does a lot to tell about my level of not only
frustration, but my shift in mental attitude towards the
goings-on in my relationship and life at the moment.
(This was after I sort of mildly stormed outside, to the
patio, where the dinner table was set and where my mother
and aunt were sitting, and I grabbed all the place
settings for his seat, and growled, "I don't even want to
SEE a place setting for him." My mother said: That's
entirely understandable...)

So I recounted how I finally decided to just drive away
and leave him there...and the funniest thing happened. My
mother cheered...I mean...CHEERED...and said, "Alright,
K2!!!" and gave me a high-five!!! And then...my AUNT
stood up and gave me a high-five and said the same thing
and then said something to the effect of "girl
power!"...or "woman power"!...or something. OH my GOD...I
about laughed my ass off. You have to understand...my
family is NOT a bunch of crazy radicals in any direction.
It was kind of astonishing to see two almost-sixty-year-
old women cheering me on for leaving my boyfriend on the
street corner after he got out of the car and thought I'd
come back and get him. I don't know...is it so wrong of
me to say that it made me feel good? To know that no one
thought I was being a royal fucking bitch for doing
something like that? Maybe it felt good to know that even
though I was second-guessing myself and feeling bad for
that, that I didn't have to, and that it's not wrong to
not want to be treated like that constantly, and that it's
not wrong to show someone who does treat you like that
more and more and more that you're just not going to put
up with it any more, because it's just plain WRONG.

At any rate...the rest of the night was pretty good and we
talked and talked some more about things and it was good.
And my aunt about had tears in her eyes because she was
going on about how she sees her god-daughter (that's me)
becoming unearthed again, my sense of humour coming back,
my self-worth as she said (I was getting uncomfortable by
this point), and all of this...she said it brings tears to
her eyes, and which point I was like, oh no, please
don't...and she kept going on about how I was such a good
kid when I was a baby, and always smiling and laughing (I
wanted to say: yeah, and look how that turned out) and
how she's always thought I was so intelligent, and I
continue to be so intelligent, but sometimes when you're
so intelligent, it takes a bit of a hit on the head to get
things sorted out or to see things clearly or whatever it
was that she said, maybe to get things together, I can't
quite remember what she said to the precise word...and she
said so many times tonight how I just make her laugh so
much (I made everyone laugh a lot tonight)...So...those
parts were good...really truly good...if a bit
uncomfortable at that one point but...it wasn't really a
bad uncomfortable, which was extraodinary for me.
So...that was pretty good, all in all, I suppose.

After all that, I came home, and he and I are acting like
friends again. I helped him figure out something on
Skype, and then we played Chinese checkers and chatted
over Skype (yes, from separate rooms), and then he called
me one of his two main pet names for me a few minutes ago,
and part of me just wants to ask him what he really is
thinking these days, because it all seems like so much put-
on or that he's not facing reality or that he's acting a
little bit too young...and part of me just wants to accept
it with a bit of a que sera sera attitude, because I know
where things are headed, I've made it clear, and
eventually it's something he (and I) will have to deal
with on our own time, in our own way, and to our own
levels of satisfaction and completion, I suppose.

And now...after all of this crazy day (and this was only a
few hours of it, there was more!!!), it's time to go to
bed...way too late, as usual...which is already
frustrating me...because that just makes it harder to ramp
up again for another crappy Monday in my getting-old-quick
job. What ho, what ho, Malvolio.

And...if anyone cares...I did my damn laundry.

K2


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