This is the beloved air I breathe
2007-06-11 17:16:14 (UTC)

13 going on 30

have you ever seen this movie? I just watched it today.
you know it's funny, because I feel so muc like that
character sometimes. like I'm in this time warp between
being a little kid inside, and having to deal with the
reality of life on the outside.
There's one part of the movie where I cried...when she's in
the closet, "taking inventory" on her life, when she
realizes that she's not the kind of person she always
thought she'd be, and she's in the closet at her parent's
house (her old house) and they open the door and she runs
into their arms crying (as a 30 year old woman). I feel
like that sometimes. I just want to run to my daddy's arms
crying...and I do quit often, it seems.

The part that i find more interesting though, was the part
with she and the guy. She had her soul mate, and because of
the decisiosn that she had made, she realized that when she
grew up, he and she weren't to be togethere - even though
they were virtually made for each other. At the end of the
movie, she goes back in time, and "un makes" her mistakes,
and in the end, she does end up with the guy she was made for.

It's interesting that I watched this today, because I was
thinking about this last night in regards to Kevin and I. I
was thinking that it's probably more than likely that we're
not going to be together. He's going to go to Japan,
probably get involved with some woman there - it's what he's
always wanted, come back and present his "wife"....and life
will happen - this isn't a movie, things don't all tie up
nicely, we don't get to go back in time and "unmake" our

I still feel like Kevin and I were made for each other, but
if he doesn't feel the same way...or if he does feel the
same way and he's just not willing to act on it, then life
will happen, and I have resigned myself to the reality that
it may not have the "tingles down the spine" and
"butterfiles in the stomach" kind of love. What Kevin and I
have is all well and good, but it's not reality. At the end
of the day, we must all fall back to earth from the clouds
we are floating on with a thud...and at the end of the
month, one in particular is leaving for Japan -

What choice do we have in this life but to trust God?
Really, how else can we live? I had this experience this
past week that illustrated this perfectly to me. i was
asked to lead worship for a service on Sunday morning. The
whole time I was preparing, I was not even a little bit
worried about having musicians, because I said "I trust God,
He'll provide someone" it got to be about a week before
, I started to get really nervous about it. I was like
waking up in the middle of the night like "oh, I'm not
prepared for Sunday...what am I going do to?", I would be
driving down the road, and all of a sudden the pangs of
panic would hit me and I'd think "I'm not prepared for
Sunday" Thursday night when my instrumentalist bailed
on me for practice, I literally freaked. I showed up on
Kevin's door in tears like "what am I gonig to do?". He
calmed me down in the way that only he can do, but when I
left, right away again, I started to feel that nauseating
panic. I had one last hope for a musician, and we were
going to practice on Saturday night. 9:39pm, the night
before, he tells me he can't play for me because he's "got a
lot to do"....
the whole time God was like "relax, trust me"...a friend of
mine even felt compelled (before knowing my situation) to
send me the scripture "be still and know that I am
God"...but i was up until 1 am on Sat night preparing the
music, I was going to play them myself on the guitar
(medeocre at best...but you have to work with what you
have...). Sunday mornign I was getting ready to leave to go
lead worship, and I get a phone call "oh, there was a
miscommunication, we don't need you today...".
can you believe it? It's times like that when I KNOW that
God has a sense of humor!

so how does this parallel to my life? Well it's actually a
perfect illustration for my life. The point is that the
whole time God wanted me to trust Him, and I was thinking
"but SOMETHING has to be prepared for Sunday, so I may as
well do it myself" and God was like "be still and KNOW that
I am God.." and I was like "God what the heck are you
doing?" and he was like "be still and know that I am
God..."...see, he knew the whole time i wasnt' going to play
sunday morning, which is why He didn't provide an
instrumentalist. Imagine how mad one of my friends would
have been if they had completely gone out of their way to
play for me, and then didn't even end up getting needed?

so my point is this: what is the point of stressing about
it? Part of me wants to stress so badly. part of me is
absolutely resigned to the fact that life doesn't work out
the way it should, and although God is a good God, life is
life, and we live in a broken world, and I won't get the
fairy tale that I dream about.

The other part of me knows better. God is a GOOD God, and
that's all that matters. My eyes are fixed on Him and Him
alone, and the otehr stuff will fall into place, and no
matter what happens, hopefully it won't phase me, because
i'm focused in the right place.

i suppose those two battling ideologies are the flesh and
the spirit duking it out. leave me messages.
I love you all