lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2007-06-03 04:48:12 (UTC)

get crack

11:30PM Saturday night

I got up at about 6PM today and my first worry was,
fuck, my doctors appointment. My doctor said that if I
miss one more, I'll have to find a new doctor but luckily
it's only Saturday and my appointment isn't until Monday.
I don't blame her for anything, all doctors go through
similar schooling but at the same time she gives me these
meds that are supposed to help and It's impossible to come
to any conclusion if they really are helping. They take
blood tests to make sure you are actually taking them and
not faking an illness which makes sense, I know a few
people who claim there this or that, don't work, drink and
get high all day not taking there meds. I also know
skitsofrenics that don't take there meds so it goes both
ways. I wish this would all go away and if there are
people who have been cured by taking this bullshit, I'm
willing to take it. The problem I have is how doctors go
about finding if it is working, it reminds me of elementary
school. She leaves the room, comes back with those same
annoying questionnaires that I pretty much have memorized.
When I'm finished, she tally's up the numbers by using some
equation and walla, your either crazy or sain. How fucking
accurate can that be?

Do you hear voices that aren't your own?
Do you break out in sweats for no apparent reason?
How often do you cry?
Do you feel like your dyeing or sick?
Have you been going to your doctor more then usually lately?
Do you think people are against you?

Bla Bla Bla, I can't stand them and that there always
the same, it makes you feel stupid, they should at least
have more then one questionnaire. Every med that I'm on I
had to ask for, I researched which drugs work for most
people and she's always put me on whatever I say. This is
the main reason why I don't want to loose her as a doctor
because she gives me medication that a lot of doctor's
wouldn't, the same goes for my psychiatrist, he's retireing
so he could care less if he lost his license for
prescribing a narcotic to someone that doesn't need it and
sells it for crack money.

I've never been more satisfied with the meds I'm on
right now and don't think they should be altered. It seems
like as soon as you tell your doctor whatever med they have
you on is working, they slowly try and ween you off of it,
then you get sick again. I've never understood that and
I'm not crazy by noticing, it happens often, we talked
about it at a Bi-poler meeting. They treat manic-
depression like depression, a flu or a cold, like it's
something that will go away. If your on any sort of
narcotic and you tell your doctor that you've been feeling
great and rarely having panic attacks, hearing voices and
so on, the first med they will start to reduce is the
strongest, or only, narcotic your on.

I got really annoyed with myself like I always do when
I finish a song and don't enjoy it or think it's up to par
with my other songs. When this happens, I usually don't
listen or work on any of my songs for a long time. I just
feel like its my brain telling me that I need a rest, it
takes a lot to make a good song, something a lot of artists
don't realize. Pollock might have just splattered a thin
paint on canvas but he didn't do it in three minutes, he
took time with his paintings and put his heart and soul
into them, the same way I belive music should be made. I
could make a few albums with all the songs I'm not
satisfied with but it would drive me nuts and paranoid that
people would think I was getting worse, rather then
improving with time.
There's nothing better then performing a perfect set
in front of a good turn-out, meaning people who showed up.
It's better then sex, money, drugs, everything. On the
other hand, fucking up a set is one of the worst feelings
of all, like death, chaos, the world crumbles at your feet
and it doesn't seem to make sense to gamble your mind in
front of people. I think the odds are on your side if
you've practiced enough but fucking up can come in all
different types of mayhem.

The sound quality can suck

You can get feedback from the monitors, that,'eeeek', sound

Your mind can go blank right before your set

If your working with a CD or any type of media equipment,
it can skip

Someone in the crowd can heckle you

You can have a panic attack on stage

You get to drunk to perform

and so on...

They've all happened to me more then once and once one
happens, usually others come along the way and you just
wanna scream, 'fuck this', leave the bar, go home and hang
yourself. One time while I was performing, some fucking
idiot came right up to the stage and I thought cool, maybe
others will follow because when your not famous, people
usually sit on seats rather then come up to the stage.
Turns out, this shit nut wanted to battle me in the middle
of my set. I don't battle, never have, I don't make that
type of music and I'm pretty sure it was obvious but this
asswhole was drunk and probably thought, 'Why is this white
boy on stage at a rap show, that aint rap, I'm gonna show
him who's boss?'
Another time, I was supposed to open the night at ten
to eleven but the promoter kept telling me to wait because
he wanted as many people in the bar as possible before
bands played, turns out, he was waiting for the lead act,
what I would find out later. I wanted to get my set over
with so I could drink and at around one in the morning he
told me that my set was in a half an hour. I kept
thinking, 'I can handle another beer', everytime he told me
that my set was coming up. It was after two when he
finally told me to go on stage and I was piss drunk, I
could barely walk and talk, never mind going on stage. I
should have just told him that I couldn't go on but for
some reason I thought that I might be able to pass it off,
everyone in the bar was drunk and angry anyways. Some had
been there since nine and were bored to death waiting for
Swollen Members, who didn't show up.

After I fucked my set up real good, Jellystone got on
stage and started saying thing's like, 'Where's my niggaz
at'?

The majority of the audience where Asian and white so
they stayed just as quiet as the black people that were
there. He started his set with, a song called. 'My Niggaz
Number One'. Jumped off the stage because knowone was
coming up to it, I guess his feelings were hurt.
I had this bad feeling and thought I should get out of
there before someone throws something at him, unplugged my
dat, sliding through people, somewhat embarrassed by my
fucked up set and caught a cab. I ended up being right, it
was a chair someone threw at him, then people jumped on him
and continued to kick the shit out of him. The funny thing
is that most of the people that were attacking him were
black. Earlier he was hitting on someones girlfriend,
trying to get her to come back to the hotel with him even
after she told him she had a man. It goes to show you that
just because you push some units and have a few video's
doesn't mean that people are going to suck your dick, adore
you or think that your some superstar. He might do well in
his hometown, Toronto but I guess knowone told him that the
city I live in is slightly crazy and you should be careful
with how you go about your show, if people aren't coming up
to the stage, leave it at that. Just because they aren't
doesn't mean that they don't like you, I always sit at the
back of most venues when people are performing because you
can hear the songs better, rather then standing, looking
up, hearing nothing but bass and if your lucky, some
words. It's like movie theaters, rarely people sit in the
front seats unless the other seats are taken. In this
particular bar there was sofa's so obviously people didn't
want to give up laying on a sofa just to please this
terrible rapper.

I have nothing for my anxiety right now and I'm really
shaky, sweating and my forehead is like a heater. The
pharmacy doesn't open until Monday and I don't feel like
going to the hospital again since I was there two Sundays
in a row. I don't hear voices, just peoples air
conditioners, my cats eating, fingers typing, cars and the
odd kid outside screaming something I can't make out. Most
people in this area care less about when there kids get
home, I know if I was there age and out at eleven, I
wouldn't be able to go out at all for weeks.
7-11 sells handi-transit tickets and the closest one
by my apartment closed down due to crime. It was like a
magnet to people getting stabbed, meeting there to pick up
crack, theft, fights, prostitution and pretty much
everything that's looked at as a crime. Some Arabian dudes
bought it and now it's called 7-16, weird. I went there
today to pick up some tickets for my mom and like usual
there was knowone in the store. When it was 7-11 there was
always people outside and inside, it's bizarre how just by
changing the name, people stopped going there. It's
identical to 7-11, has the same shelves, same slurpee
machines, coffee machines, everything but people like
magic, stopped going there.
They don't sell handi-transit tickets like 7-11 so I'm
going to go to a 7-11 in the morning, when there's not so
much going on outside. My mom is slightly crazy today and
if I don't get her those tickets she's going to get worse.
It was check day just a few days ago and people are roaming
the neighborhood drunk or if they already spent all there
money on crack, there out looking for someone to jack to
stop there brain from going, 'get crack, get crack, get
crack, get crack'.

till next time
lee




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