Topsy Kretts

Breathing in the same sequence
2007-05-31 01:12:38 (UTC)

may 31 2007

it's been quite sometime since my last entry...my keyboard
isn't working and it's so hard to type from on screen
keyboard....thAat's why...
the whole time...i have Raffy to talk to and txt...but
there are things i couldn't tell him...sometimes i
forget..and sometimes i'd really rather not talk about
everything that's going on inside me...
so...i guess it all went overboard again...i kinda broke
down again yesterday..
jd's been here since last saturday...which is good...i'm
ofcourse very happy to have him around...i love him.
but...while he was here...i keep feeling
anxious...panicky...everytime the thought of him leaving
again occurs to me...i feel it like two or three times
everyday. I can't exactly explain the feeling...it is
sad..i feel guilt...i worry about him when he's away...but
knowing...things has to be that way...and hating the fact
at the same time. It's very confusing...very frustrating.
yesterday...i was really depressed...i kept telling
eveyone how tired i am of taking care of things..that i
just wanna take a break or something...maybe just
disappear or vanish....i just wanna stop.
just stop...shutdown...just stop.
I feel so unhappy...so trapped...cus i need to be here for
my children...physically i'm here...but...i feel so dead.
i feel sorry for them...i couldn't make them happy...i
feel so useless...whatta failure.i bet they wish they had
a different mom ...but they need me around cus nobody
would want to take them...so...
anyways...i kept crying ..i was hysterical..yesterday...i
kept saying things like how i tired i am blah blah..but
inside..all i'm screaming about...is how miserable i
feel..i hate everything that's going on...my soul is just
protesting!
bong came and took jd last night..i totally flipped out. i
don't know what happened..i simply fainted...i was too
disoriented.
When i woke up this morning...t freaked me out to find
my "sent" txt messages. It's like two different me are
txting...one is texting incomprehensible txts ...and the
other sent inspirational txts! what's most strange is i
don't recall sending them...actually the inspirational txt
was sent to someone i don't even know. the fukd up txts
were all sent to Raffy.
Talk about strange!@.@
today...i find myself not wishing to talk to
anyone...about these things
i just don't ... i am so ...embarrassing...i have too much
issues and drama!
yeah...that's why i got here again...and my fingers are
tired already so.. til next.





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