This is the beloved air I breathe
2007-05-26 22:44:06 (UTC)

Taking Inventory of my life

so, as a result of this situation with this guy, I've been
in a place of self-criticism lately. I don't like the way
that I reacted in the situation - although I'm not sure
how I SHOULD have reacted, but I don't like the way that
the situation turned out. This whole thing is a gigantic
mess, and so full of the DRAMA that I try so hard to avoid
in my life!! And I'm contributing to the drama. Why? I

I've been struggling with how I view myself lately. I've
been struggling with the way that God sees me and how
other's see me. It's when I stop struggling with it, that
i will become beautiful. But having somebody tell me that
he doesn't see beauty in me, after I had gotten to a place
where I thought I was radiating beauty in a way I never
had before, well that just crushed me like a milk carton
underfoot. So now i need to blow air back into that milk
carton, and let God blow air back into that milk carton,
and let my friends blow air back into that milk carton.
I'm not saying any of these things to brag, I'm really
writing this mostly for myself, but if you desire to read,
feel free ;)

So I have to sit here and take inventory of my life. I
have heard before that sometimes the things that unlock
doors spiritually in our lives come when we praise God for
what he HAS done in our lives. So let me just sit here
for a minute and think of where I was a year ago, and how
far I have come. (how far the Lord has brought me)
Last year at this time, I had just left my husband. I had
had a sudden awakening of the life that I was living, and
I realized that I had to get out - and I did so, reaching
for the only "escape" route I knew, an affair. I weight
275 pounds, thought myself the slime in the bottom of
toilet pipes, and hated everything that I had become.
Probably exactly a year ago at this time, I was watching
sex and the city, drinking a large bottle of wine,
enjoying Ben and Jerry's and cuddling with my cat in my
bed. lol...some things never change :)

Since that time, I have lost 65 pounds. and I am down to a
weight of between 210 and 215 depending on the day...I'm
still working out, still eating well and plan on getting
down to between 160 and 180. I can't even imagine what I
am going to look like by then! I am in the best shape of
my life, and could probably rival most people physically.

I am in a place spiritually that I've never been before.
I have my own church, and a pastor who loves and
shepheards me, also something I've never had before. I
have older women in my life (one specifically) who loves
me with the kind of mother-love that I have always desired.

God has showed me things about himself and his nature I
never knew before. I am learning about prohphecy,
spiritual gifts, miraculous healings and amazing Holy
Spirit stuff. The Christian walk is not easy, but it's
easier with this tangible relationship that I have with my

I have started writing more, and I have an actual
confidence that I will actually be able to sell my book by
the time all is said and done (lol, that may be a false
confidence, but we'll see...)

I don't have a clue what the future holds, but unlike this
time a year ago, I have a hope in the future and the plan
that God has for me. Even though I occasionally depress
about my relationship circumstances, and my singleness, I
have to remember that I've only been single for a year,
that's really not that long.

Although I have not progressed to a point of perfection in
the decisions that I make regarding realtionships, I have
progressed to a point (with the help of my friends) where
I'm able to see the patterns that I keep repeating, and
I'm working to get to a place where I can correct, or
avoid them. Josh, Kevin, I'm sorry. I'm a mess
sometimes. I should come with a warning label or a
caution sign "swim at your own risk, shark infested
waters". Kevin, I'm sorry for the mess that I've caused.
I take full responsability for this, because it was my
responsability to guard my heart. I thought it was worth
the risk...and it still has been.

I suppose that brings me to another place that I've grown
in the past year - I am not afraid of love. I made myself
a vow when I split from Jason that I was not going to get
hard and callous....granted, I'm learning that I do need
to have healthy boundaries 'keep the harmful things out,
and let the good in'...I'm still working on that.

The other thing is that I'm realizing that NOBODY has this
figured out. I'm not sure if that comforts me or
dicourages me. In one sense, I guess I'm right where I
should be "pressing on towards the prize", but if I'm not
ever going to achieve that place of self awareness and
perfection, why try? Because we have to hope that it
makes a difference. Even if I am going to make mistakes
again, I have to hope that the mistakes I make next time
will be different mistakes, or less severe than the ones I
made last time.

for instance, when I was going through my time of grief
and mourning after leaving my ex a year ago, I was turning
to men, lots of them, for my comfort.....I had to go
through the process of deliverance, and God had to pull me
out of my circumstances. In this situation with Kevin, in
my grief, although I have been tempted to turn to men for
my comfort...and to be honest, am still struggling with
that, I haven't yet. Because I know that door holds death
for me. I have tasted life, and although I don't
necessarilly feel that I'm walking in abundant life at
this particular moment, I know that that road is most
certianly death. I did happen to get accidently drunk
last weekend at a karoke bar, but it could have been much

I have not compromised sexually since last year - a big
accomplishment for me. Something that is rooted much less
in self discipline, and rooted more in the fact that I
respect myself, and I know that something better awaits me
if I can hold out for it. AND I also know where that road
leads...more lonliness...possibly even STD's and
pregnancy. Can I just say, the thought of STD's scares
the crap out of me?

So, all of this has served to show me, I'm really not that
bad off. If I can hope to have come as far next year at
this time then I have this year, I'll be in a pretty good
place. life isn't quite as bad as I feel it is
sometimes. I'm blessed. God is amazing, and, although I
complain sometimes about not having enough people to hang
out with, I have friends who genuinely love me. What more
could I ask for? A husband? Nah. If my situation with
Kevin has showed me anything, it's that I DON'T want that
right now. Too much drama, too much worry, too much
hurt. I'm just going to relax (well, I'm going to try to
learn to relax) and enjoy life, try not to make too many
mistakes along the way and cling to my Lord.

In terms of beauty? Who cares? I will be beautiful to
me, in my way, and if someone recognizes my beauty, then
so be it, and if they don't, then that's ok. I can't let
one person steal me joy. I can't let one person's opinion
color my whole outlook on myself or on life. Life is too
short for that. AND if i AM going to let one person's
opinion seep into the depts of my being, shouldn't it be