Ben

Stuff
2007-05-24 18:21:50 (UTC)

I don t know whether or not if..

I don't know whether or not if this is a trick or whatnot,
but there seems to be one of Jessa's friends texting me.. I
don't know if its a joke or what. I haven't even met this
person yet and it still consumes my thoughts. What if, what
if.. Blah blah blah. I haven't had anyone... ever. I
never had that and from seeing hoho and alex- sean and
tiffy... I really want that.

There have been times where I sit in the night, staring off
into the distance, wondering- Wishing- Hoping. Nothing came.
Suddenly, I get a call and magically someone wants to have
a relationship with me? Fuck no- This has to be a joke.
Nobody gives two shits about me and even if it is, I cant
really dismiss it right away. I don't know what to do.

Some things in this world just aren't meant for me... But
maybe god has a different plan for me...

This are so fucked up with my life-- All this pressure- All
on me.

Have you ever sat in a corner for hours? Just dazing off
into the distance, contemplating death and for a brief
second- You daze off and die. You stop thinking and your
brain shuts down, all you see is nothingness all you feel is
emptiness and all you can do about it is feel it and take
it. There is nothing in your power to stop the feelings
you've always felt and even though you try... It doesan't
matter. They just resurface and attack.

I just hope this can all be true, but I doubt it is. I have
so many things that I keep all inside that its fucking me
up. I know if I keep this all on the inside, I am
completely fucked.

Maybe im just really paranoid and fucked up about some
things- But when you have been through all the bullshit i've
been through, its justified.

I just hope im wrong and I can talk to her and maybe
eventually let her in my head...




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