This is the beloved air I breathe
2007-05-17 00:13:11 (UTC)

I should rename this "the boy pages"

...because that's all I do on this thing is talk about the
guys in my life. Maybe it's because I feel hidden here, a
little more free to be less discreet then on myspace.

I'm hurting right now. I'm hurting almost as much as I
was when I made the decision to leave my ex husband. I'm
feeling the same emotions, and going through the same
process. But in this situation, there is not light at the
end of the tunnel, I don't feel the weight of hope upon
me. I feel lost, lonely and abandoned.

I made the decision to open myself up emotionally again.
I made the decision that I was not going to let this world
ruin me, that I would not hide from love. I asked God
that I would not have to date anymore. I asked Him to
just show me the person that I'm supposed to be with -
because I'm sick of going through this process. Why do I
have to get to know people so deeply before I can decided
whether he is the one for me? And then, once I
decide?....It's not my decision to make, ultimately.

Kevin and I are in such a wierd place. I would keep you
updated on it, but the situation changes so suddenly and
so drastically, sometimes I feel like I'm reeling back
from wiplash. He says one thing one day, and does the
opposite, then the next day he says the opposite and does
this is killing me. I really let this guy in. I actually
let him in DEEPER than I let my ex husband in. He
understands me better than I understand myself, in some
ways. Is that possible? When he looked into my eyes, he
looked down into the depts of my being. i have always
longed that a man would do that - but nobody has ever
actually taken the time to do it - and now I feel like he
saw all that I am - he took the time to get to know me
more thoroughly than anybody has ever taken the time to
do...ever....he enjoyed the love I had to offer(I just
want to clarify that none of this was sexual) and recieved
from me....and then once he took one good, hard, long
look....he didn't want what he saw. He just tossed it
And now I'm being confronted with lines like "You are an
amazing person, but I just don't think that you are the
one for me" and "I wish I could just be free to enjoy your
company without having to worry about all the other stuff
getting in the way", "I want to be able to hold you and
hug you and be a good friend to you, but I don't want you
to interpret that as me wanting to be with you". Oh, and
here's the best one "I know that sometime later down the
road, I'm going to regret this, and probably wish that I
had pursued a relationship with you - and by that time you
will have probably moved on"....
.....I'm not here to make him sound like the enemy. Girls
do that too much. they say "that asshole, he's such a
jerk". It's not like that. I know him, I treasure him,
and I care so deeply about him. Kevin has never been
anything with me but honest, and I value that so much. I
would NEVER want anything but honesty. He HAS to be true
to who he is. I don't want someone who has to question
whehter they find me attractive, or who has to ponder
whether they want to be with me.
I want the whole kit and caboodle. I want everything. I
want the guy who can look deeply into my soul simply by
meeting his eyes with mine, but I also want the guy who
pursues my heart - who sees my love as the thing that he
has to have - and who is willing to put the work into
looking and searching for me and my heart. I will hold
out for that, and I will not compromise, beacuse I know
that I'm worth all of it. If that means I'm single
forever, so be just means I won't have to shave
my legs everyday for the rest of my life, and that I won't
have to get my eyebrows waxed quite so often, and that I
can skip a day showering every once in a while.....and
that God will have my complete and undivided attention.

So with all of that said - Kevin, you aren't the enemy -
if you were, I wouldn't be hurting so much....with all of
that said, how do I reconcile in myself, what I am
feeling? How do I cope with these feelings? My patterns
are reverting back to old habits. Here's what I know how
to do do numb the pain: Smoke, eat, drink, and watch sex
and the city. They can't be all-round horrible coping
mechanisms, because I'm sitting here right now. But I've
been fighting them all night. I was going to go to the
store, buy the ben and jerry's, the wine, rent the sex and
the city and order the to-go buffalo wings from Family
Pizza (ALMOST a worthy substitute for Bidwell
Tavern)...but something stopped me. Aside from the fact
that I'm broker than a joke - what was it? I love the
Lord and what he's doing in me. I'm hurting, and I don't
know what to do with these emotions, but at the same time,
I don't want to take two steps backwards. I already feel
guilty for feeling this way.
I also am much more concerned about my appearance now.
I'd much rather eat nothing for weeks at a time, then eat
junk food. I'm terrified of gaining weight back. I'm
starting to realize how men really do see overweight
women, and I'm at a point where I would do anything to
keep from getting to that point again. Honestly, this has
to be the biggest that I will ever be. There's only one
direction for me to go weight wise, and that's down.
Again, not a healthy coping mechanism.

God, what is healthy? What am I supposed to do? I know
that I'm supposed to bring my pain to you - I know that I
am, but what do I do in the times when that just doesn't
feel adequate? Will you forgive me for the sin of feeling
that you are not enough sometimes? I'm starting to
undersatnd the spirit/soul/body connection. It's the
reason that i can be filled with you and longing for you,
and at the same time, longing for another person.

It's not the relationship that i want. I've even learned
to lay this whole marriage thing at your feet. I'm
remembering how difficult marriage is, and imaginging what
it's going to be like to have children, and I am heeding
the wisdom to just wait on you, Lord. But it's just Him.
I want him. I want the vulnerable person that I saw
Saturday night in my car. When he let his guard down and
let me see a part of him that I have always longed to see
in someone...and he saw it in me. I don't understand,
Lord, you created me for this man. You created me for
him. How can he not want what you created for him? God,
I know that I have a bad track record, I know that I have
thought you had people for me before = but this I am more
sure of then anything else. I'm more sure of this than I
am about my career, and about the church you have me in,
and about everything....I just don't understand the way
that you are working. God if you can be glorified in this
situation, please be glorified. If my whole life must
simply be a sacrifice, please take it for yourself. God,
I don't have to be happy in this life. i am not going to
be winy little baby who is clamoring for her way - so take
it, take it all...shake everything that can be shaken in
my life...under one promise never to leave
me. I know that's a promise to make, I know that you are
the covenant keeper, but Lord, I am a covenant breaker.
My heart is unsure and my flesh is so weak. Use me for
whatever, but you have to carry me every step of the way.
Take Kevin for your own Lord. I don't have to have him.
I don't have to have anyone. You created me for you. In
that, I find my security. In that, I find my identity and
my peace. If I am never an "ezer" to any man...I can be
the mother to all of the lost daughters that I meet along
the way.

I know that I have been complaining about the fact that I
feel like I give and give and there is nobody in my life
tho sees it their pleasure to give back to me, but Lord,
all I need is you. And I repent of speaking death over
myself. God I thank you for Pastor Gay, and Lord, I thank
you for my Pastor. I thank you for my friends.
In this situation, I feel alone. I'm afraid to go explain
this to anyone, cause the situation could change a day
later. This instability is killing me. It's physically
damaging me. I need to separate myself from this. I'm
afraid that I'm not strong enough to separate myself from
it...which is why, in part, I will be glad that he's going
to Japan. Honestly, if things stayed the way that they
are, I would have had to leave this area. I opened myself
up that deeply. It's not his falut. Lord, I pray that we
would beging this healing process once again. I pray that
I would not slip too far from you in my pain, and I pray
that you would guard my heart so that this doesn't keep
happening again and again. At some point, I will stop
feeling it all together. At some point, the scars are
going to take over, and my heart will be more like a
minefield then the tender flesh that you indended it to
be. I'm reminded of the lyrics to a song "i bruise
easily, so be gentle when you handle me, there's a mark
you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree"....

God, be my EZER. Be my everything. Be my fulfillment.
Teach me how to love you as fervantly as you designed me
to love you. God forgive me for being a "love"
glutten...for desiring anything but you. Keep my focus
clear Lord.
I love you