Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
2007-05-16 23:44:20 (UTC)

Fucking with my head?

I feel like my head is being fucked with. I don't suppose
it's any secret that my boyfriend and I are going through
some problems. I guess that's really not a secret. I was
on my way home tonight, getting annoyed because I was
tired and had a stupid day at work and was trying to work
up the energy to walk in the door and find the kitchen a
mess again and have to start to clean it. So I called him
from the car like he had asked, and he says, I'm just
doing a load of dishes and I have another load to do after
that, not exciting, I know, but I thought I'd tell you.

It will probably sound incredible stupid to say his doing
that frustrated me, but it did. It really did. It's been
almost a week since he said he would clean the kitchen,
and since he put the dishwasher on (but never emptied it)
last, and I just...I don't know. It's mostly still messy
but I guess he's trying. And that's just the thing. I
feel like he's fucking with my head and doing just enough,
just at the last minute, always, to make me want to hang
on to the frailest threads that are left. Just enough to
make me start wanting to love him again and care about us
again. Does this make sense? Is this stupid? I think
this is stupid. All I know is that I started crying in
the car after I parked it in the garage, and that horrible
sadness doesn't always just come from nowhere. Sometimes,
yes, but not always, and not tonight's. I don't entirely
know what it was about, but I do know that a lot of it was
about coming home.

Or maybe I'm mad at him because I want to leave and I
can't. Because I want to be done, but I'm really not. I
don't know. I should know, but I don't. Like I said
yesterday, I'm probably just a stupid girl who is scared
to make a mistake, and who wants to have her cake and eat
it too. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I
actively make the wrong decision? But then I start
thinking, how the hell can staying be right? And then I
start going in circles.

I'm sad. I'm depressed. I feel like my head is being
fucked with, but I'm sure he doesn't sit there plotting.
I'm sure he just thinks, oh shit, I was supposed to do
that a week ago, I should do it now...just like I am at
work.

I don't know. I'm going to go and make some dinner and
then I'm going to bed.

I hate this. So. Fucking. Much.

And all I can do is think about someone else...and isn't
that just the even dumbest thing. Someone I've never met
and could end up rebounding with, leading to the loss of
yet another thing that could have, would have, should have
been, was good. Speaking of loss...I sort of feel like
I'm being hit with a triple whammy these days, what with
my boyfriend, him, and another friend of mine. I just
feel so alone...

I HATE THIS. I'm clearly just too pathetic to make a
decision. That's the dumbest thing of all. I mean, hell.
If I made a decision and was actually happy, I wouldn't
have anything to bitch about, would I? And then what the
hell would I write in here? All rainbows and happiness?
Pfft. I think not.

Smile. That last part was funny. Smile, damn it!

K2




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