nin137

Nick's Journal
2007-05-09 15:44:03 (UTC)

Goodbye Living Alone

well my time alone is wrapping up. juliann left in january
for her internship and i went from a married man to that
creepy guy who lives alone with his albino rat. well i
guess i was still married, but you get the idea.
in general i guess i'm someone who loves his solitude.
honestly there is nothing i love more than being alone.
i'm alone with my imagination, thoughts, and unfortunately
for me as well, my demons.
syndicated television became my surrogate mother in the
evenings and harold was my true companion, normally sitting
in my lap eating his honey-encrusted peanut. at first it
was horribly hard. but that was largely due to my own
problems. it's just so weird when you lie down in bed that
first night completely alone, and then you're still lying
there one week later all alone in your own bed. when the
sound of two voices just becomes your own and that of your
rat scurrying apartment.
but over that time alone i was able to exorcize my own
demons and for the most part figured out who i really
was...and it didn't even take a back-packing trip through
europe to do it. normally if i went out when juli was here
it was by her way, she usually figured out something for us
to do and i went along. but now that i was alone it was
either i sit alone in the apartment or go out and do something.
i realized that i didn't mind going out as much as i
thought, but that i was just as content sitting at home and
watching a movie or reading a book. and i think that's
something i came to be at peace with.
i always felt like i had to be more social and that i should
jsut be this social butterfly but the simple fact is that
i'm not. i mean i love hanging out with people when i want,
but in general i have no desire whatsoever to go to bars
unless i'm really with really good friends and i absolutely
hate night clubs all together.
i've found that it's not so much that i dislike hanging out
with people but that i'm just indifferent to it...if i felt
like it i did. and as i looked at my facebook friends and
used to sometimes look with envy upon those who had
thousands of pictures of drunken escapades i started feeling
that envy leave me. it just simply was no longer who i was.
i no longer feel the need to have 100 people who i "knew"
and would rather have 5 or so that i actually liked.
aside from finally figuring myself out, i think i have grown
more over the past 4 months than i ever have in any timespan
during my life. i finally let go of something that was
consuming me and i guess the pleasure of doing it all my own
is probably the insurmountable reward for it all. the fact
that i don't need any crutches anymore to prop myself up and
that i can just sit alone in an apartment at 1 am asking
myself why mexicans always seem to be leaning against
something instead of working makes me realize more about
myself than anything else ever could or would.
i guess sometimes it takes a radical life change to make you
kind of step outside of yourself. and i guess if anyone
ever came up to me and said that they can't live with
themselves anymore or don't like who they are, or think that
they are trapped i can only offer the advice that i've come
to learn through experience.
remove yourself from your situation and just think about
yourself and noone else. only by being so selfish can you
fix yourself, and once you've done that you can worry about
everyone else. without even realizing this time alone was
probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. it's
allowed me to come to peace with all that i felt was wrong
with myself.
plus it's allowed me to appreciate syndicated television,
reading, my friends, my rat, but most of all my wife.