Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
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2007-05-03 02:13:55 (UTC)

Something that will get me through...

I was feeling really sort of strange earlier. I miss
talking to one of my friends so badly...so badly that last
night I had a crying fit over it, on the phone to someone
else, curled up on my bed, moaning like an idiot (which I
realised at the time) about how I can't do it. What
rubbish. Of course I can do it. Didn't really make me
feel any better to have that realisation though...[-she
sighs softly-] Oh, it did not feel good last night.

Tonight when I got home, I ended up coming into the
bedroom to lie down for a little bit. I made this
commitment to give things between my boyfriend and I the
month of May to sort themselves out, and part of that
commitment was taking the decision, however painful, to
not have contact with this friend of mine, for various
reasons. the last few days, I've been trying to keep it
in my head that if I really mean as much to him as he says
I do, he'll be there for me on June 1, just like he said
he would be when I was telling him I needed some time and
space to sort out my head. This knowledge, and the fact
that if he turned out not to be there it would show me
that it wasn't worth it anyway, hasn't really been
comforting to me. I just...I kept telling myself:
nothing's changed, you still mean the world to him, of
course he'll be there, and if he's not, it's for the best
anyway, and it's just like you're going on a trip for a
little while, no big deal...

Except it's felt like a huge deal. A very huge deal. We
talk every day, so to go cold turkey, it's a huge deal. I
was feeling myself on the verge of firing off an e-mail to
him or turning on my YM to try to find him to talk to him,
when it occurred to me that I might be able to fix my need
for a "fix" by looking at his webpage. I know that's
cheating...it's allowing myself to keep my mind where it
shouldn't be, which is what the whole point of the one-
month deal is, but I really am trying to prove to myself
that I can do this without breaking weak, ever, let alone
the third bloody day.

So it was "cheating" but I was willing to cut myself some
slack about that.

And let me tell you something. What I saw on his page
made me cry. I could see he logged in last on May 1,
2007...and whether or not he did it on purpose to give me
a message or just because he did it for himself...he put
something on his page about me that moved me to tears and
was so sweet and unexpected and wonderful...and that may
just have had the effect of giving me the ability to be
more calm and zen about things. (I am not calm and zen
about things: that was a qualifier...[-she laughs softly-
]) It really...it really was wonderful and sweet and
these big, hot, relieved and surprised tears just came
down my face, and even if it only lasts for tonight, at
least for tonight I was able to feel calm and sort of
peaceful about this whole messed-up situation, and like
thirty-two plus one days isn't the end of the world, and
like I will get through it and like he will still be there
for me when I'm done this crazy business and all of this
stuff. I just...[-she sighs and closes her eyes and feels
those tears there for a quick second and then presses her
hand up against her heart-] It was just...like I said,
whether done for me or because of me...the effect was the
same. It surprised the hell out of me and it was so sweet
and wonderful and incredibly reassuring to see...So to
that person...while you'll probably never see this...I'd
like to say thank you...so much...for giving me a moment
of calm...thank you so much.


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