Kaden, MacKenzie and Easton

The life of a young mom of three
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2007-05-02 04:29:41 (UTC)

All about me and my baby boy

Matt called me today. I didn't even wanna talk to him but
he sounded so scared. I did tell him the truth about the PO
thing. He's mad. I do think he deserves it though. a couple
of people commented on my revenge and stepping out on Kaden
entries. I know Matt was my world. But, i was never his
world. Neither was Kaden. Matt was never there for Kaden.
And he does not NEED a father. especially one like Matt. I
have relized so much about the man i called my love. I did
call the Po in revenge. Maybe that was the wrong step to
take but its one i can't take back and don't want to
either. I'm not sure if i want it to end this way. All i
know is i want it to end. I thought i was fine with the
closure I choose. Then a couple friends came down and one
of their "buddies" tried to kiss me and all i could think
about was matts lips. I just started asking myself. Why
after all this do i think about his lips. Why after all the
pain i still want him in a sort of way. I want to hate him
so bad that i'm forcing myself to be angry cause i can't
stand being sad anymore. I just don't understand how after
all of this it can still hurt somewhere. I am prob going to
question myself everyday if pushing it to the limit that i
pushed it to was right. I know weither i would have pushed
it to this limit or not i wouldn't have him around my son
anymore. I look at matt in such a diffrent way that I
somewhat feel as if i'm just meeting him. its a 20/20
hindsite. I don't think now looking back i would have even
given him a second look. People who write bad to me about
this. Don't, I'm beating myself up as it is. I felt as if
everything in my world has paused. I couldn't let Matt
continue to hurt me in all the ways he did. And let him
move on. It was a revenge. But i feel as if he deserves it
for stepping out on Kaden. I guess i'm so hurt that i was
looking for any attention from him negitive or postive. I
don't know what to say anymore. I'm tired of feeling this.
I just want to move on. This was my way of doing so. I'm
sorry if it doesn't approve to you. But, trust me. None of
you know Matthew Frame like i do. So none of you can be the
judge of Kaden needing him around. Its all about me and my
baby boy now.


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