Silent Solitude

Silent Until Now...
2007-04-21 21:22:43 (UTC)

Took me long enough.

I took a look at my last entry and it's been close to 8
months since my last entry. All I can say for the past few
months...it's been hard but not too hard. Sure, I miss my
pops a bit, but quite frankly I've adjusted easily from his
departure. I know my mom is the same. Bitter and
unforgiving towards him. Well, let me talk about some
current events (actually 1 event) before my rant on my life.

If you didn't know, a couple of days ago a crazy student
from Virginia Tech University went on a killing spree and
ended up with 32 dead (along with the shooter) and 20
people in the hospital. My first reaction when I heard the
news was, "It probably was some crazy white boy who got
bored with life and started randomly killing students and
faculty." When I heard that it was an Asian who shot up
those people, I was like, "Oh shit! Finally, an Asian who
ended up being the most ruthless killer in history." I
know, I'm sound like I'm condoning his action. In this case
I'm not. I would never condone any senseless murder on
innocent people. Even if he wasn't Asian, I'd still would
never agree to his actions. However, knowing that he was an
Asian and the fact that he made history by making this
incident the most deadliest college shooting ever, I
actually take my hat off to him. Although, he is fucking
insane in every way, he had this planned to the last bullet
in his head. He first started killing people early in the
day, went back to his dorm, finished his video manifesto (in
which by the way is the most unintelligible shit I've ever
seen), mailed in to NBC (which didn't get to them in time
due to a zip code error), reloaded his guns, and finally
went to another building to finish off his work and himself.
This motherfucker made history, like it or not. Do I feel
sorry for the victims? Yes, to a point. I feel sorry that
it was people who were just randomly picked off like cattle
to the slaughterhouse. I say yes to a point because I don't
know them nor do I care for them. They're dead, that's
that. If a similar incident occurred back when I was in
college and I was a victim, in my mind I'm not thinking who
will care. I'm thinking, "Crazy fucker with a gun. Oh
shit, I'm a dead man." I bet that's what some of those
victims were thinking. Only one person who cared enough to
try to get his students to escape gets my respect. A
professor prevented the killer to get into his class and
ended up getting killed for his heroic efforts. To me, that
deserves a great amount of respect. He didn't have to save
anyone except himself. Instead, some of his students are
alive today instead of more fatalities.

After this tragedy came the media exploitation of the
incident with the video of the killer's manifesto and the
"experts" chiming in with their 10 cents. That and other
forms of media who keep bringing up these events which
creates an disgusting display of ignorance by the media. It
all revolves around one thing...ratings. It's sickens me
that instead of trying to show respect towards the victims'
families, they make more controversy and the cycle of pain
begins again. The sad thing is that it won't end until it
becomes "yesterday's news" and move onto the next tragedy.
My reaction towards the media interference is probably
shared with most of the country and that is enough already
and let this pass so we all can move on.

Well, back to my life now. Since 8 months since pops
abandoned the house, nothing really has changed except the
fact I am stuck paying for most of the household bills and
other expenses. Otherwise, same BS job with no future in
sight. Along with that, I'm trying to get my car fixed so I
don't have anymore problems or at least more major problems
until another time. There's not much more than that. The
holidays even feel less important than before to the point
where I just treat them as any ordinary day. Now, summer is
coming up and I have to get that car fixed up before my next
inspection. Probably, the only thing that's been somewhat
of a positive is the fact that my bro has been coming over
to visit and trying to help us out monetary wise. I
seriously hate the fact that we have to depend on my brother
and I know he winces every time he gives us a hand out. The
fact remains that he helps because he knows and I know our
pops is useless. I love my brother despite a messed up life
with him in the house. He's more subdued when he's not
around and it's better for the both of us. He does act like
the over-responsible brother (if that's even a word). I
know I have responsibilities but he doesn't have to point
them out almost every time. I know for one thing that
without him, there would be no way that I can live the way
I'm living now. Whether I can say that's a good or bad
thing is not important. What is important is that I'm
sitting here typing away with the time that I can leisurely
use than possibly be at another job slaving away to make
ends meet. That, I am and will always be grateful for (even
though I don't show it.) I think life is a lot more quieter
than before since it's just my mom and I. This brings me to
the biggest question that lays dormant in my mind but still
lingers. What will happen when mom is gone?

It's the thing that I hate to acknowledge the most in life.
I know that people die and it's the way that life goes. I
haven't really thought about this until my mom went to a
lawyer and started to create her will. She's talking about
it like it was something normal but she doesn't realize how
much it makes me think of the inevitable. She won't be
around forever and I know that I have to live without her.
The thought seems simple enough but I haven't established
myself in life yet. I want to have that good job that I
promised myself. I want that life where I can sit at my
computer and instead of a couple of months passing by, I can
go on almost every day to drop my thoughts off into this
diary. The only thing that's stopping me is myself and I
can't seem to have the real desire to get off my ass and do
something about it. Until I turn my desires into reality,
this will be the last time I complain about what I don't
have until I do something about it. This leads me back to
the VTech killer. He was a psychotic MF, but, his desires
to kill were so great that he did something about it. It
may be wrong to think about what he did, but, I give credit
to where credit is due. He did do something about his
desires albeit in a sick manner. The key thing is that he
DID SOMETHING. If I can be that motivated for something I
desire, then maybe I can finally be happy. Once I'm happy
with my own life, then I can prepare myself for the
inevitable and be strong enough to go on with life.
Remember, I only admire his strong desire to do something
and not his sick delusions and fatal actions that he
accomplished.

One last thing before I go. I think...no, I know I owe
someone an apology for whatever things I have said. Quite
frankly, I hate to hold grudges and in the end I end up
being wrong. So, to the person who has been kind enough to
forgive, I'm sorry and want the both of us to just continue
with our lives without any bad feelings.




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