Jamie

Jamie's Daily Thoughts and Goals
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2007-04-10 12:24:19 (UTC)

Group Week 2

Today is week 2 of my womens healing circle for survivors
of childhood sexual abuse (SA Group) and i am looking
forward to getting things moving. I am hopeful that it
wont trigger a binge or leave me with feelings of
worthlessness and hopelessness as it sometimes had in the
past. I reallly want to focus on the positive fromn this
session and not bring home with me the bad energy and
feelings associated with the abuse. I want to get work
done this time around and with that comes griefwork and
journaling. i am not sure if this is the right venue to do
the journaling for the SA Group or not but i will try.
It seems as though the moment i put an intention or goal
down on paper or in writing somewhere i intentionally
sabotage myself in order to fail. For severl weeks now i
have bee religiously meditating and doung breathwork and
have been consistant with taking my blood sugar twice a
day and all my meds and vitamins with no trouble however,
the moment i wrote those things down as a goal to
continue, i started skipping them here and there. My usual
response in my head is that i have once again failed but i
am rally trying to be more positive so i think that i will
just take those things off of the goal sheet i made up and
see what happens from there. I had been doing better with
a couple of really good things without the constant
reminder of succeeding or failing hanging over my head so
maybe these are not the right things to strive for as a
goal.

Easter went well since it was just me mom dad dave and
sara, there was a problem with someones health with the
ohter guests and they were at a local hospital. The visit
was short (under 2 hours) i ate too much and felt the urge
of a binge coming on but couldnt act on it entirely
although i did go in the kitchen when nobody was looking
and power ate 2 rolls with butter in like one minute. i
had 2 plates of everything and then a piece of cake that i
made. everyone loved it and wanted the recipe. i was
feeling wierd so i decided to pack up and go and that is
what i did. i took some to-go stuff which i will try not
to do anymore since food is my mothers way of showing love
and that is not the kind of love i need from her and it is
also sabotaging to me and my lifestyle changes. i went to
shopko for coffee but spent quite a while in there, mostly
so that i didnt have to go home alone on easter i guess. i
came home, meditated and then took a long nap (almost 4
hours) i got up watched some tv and then went to bed
without doing my stretching or meditations. i also missed
some of my vitamins and meds today.

Monday went ok as well. nicole and brooke came over to
scrapbook brookes wedding, bridal shower, and baby shouwer
photos before she has the baby (any day now) we really
just ended up visiting and talking so not a lot got
accomplished. i emjoyed their company and hope we can
continue these kinds of visits more. I then spent the rest
of the day working on more pictures before eating lunch at
2pm and taking a long nap (again) from 2:30 to 6:30... i
didnt sleep through since i was getting up a lot to whiten
my teeth and change the gel. I also got very cold and had
to take a hot shower before going back to bed. i did sleep
a little and then got up and watched tv again. i ate a
yogurt, can of carrots, can of tuna with mW and pickles on
2 peices of wheat bread. I went to be at around 12 since i
was whitening and picking at my teeth again. i did not
take all my vitamins, do my BS, or stretching and
meditating. I really hope i can get back on track with
those things since i really feel centered and focusued
when i am on track with that. My goal for tomorrow:

Take all my meds, vitamins, mins and bsx2 and meditate and
do breathwork and stretching before bed.


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