Soul Flares
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2007-04-09 00:01:02 (UTC)

Depression sets in

I'm really depressed; and it gets worse and worse. My
parents are driving me crazy; and making me hate myself. My
cuz Meg told me that she knows how it is; same thing
happened to her...but she miscarried. She's gotten her new
little baby to full term; he's due anyday. She says if I
need to get away I can go stay with her for a bit. It's a
god send.

I can't stand being at home. Hearing how much of a failure I
am; how I don't do anything right. Not only that, but I've
been spotting...little spashes of blood. With cramps...which
could mean my baby is going to die. It could mean I'm going
to miscarry and lose the baby. I think that would thrill my

I think it would just about kill me. Only the pain is bad.
Meg told me that it might be normal; but if I bleed alot; or
get back cramps then I'm loosing the baby. Then I need to
get to the hospital so I don't hemerage. I dont' want to
lose my baby. God gave me this blessing. A baby is a
BLESSING, and I don't want him to take it away...I know it
might be better for me if I lose it...but I dont' want to.

So I'm crossing my fingers and wishing Luis was here to hold
me. To help me get through this...but he's in mexico and
still doesnt' even know I'm in pain and might lose the baby.
He hasn't logged on at all. I know he's having fun...but I
need him. Really need him....and he's not here.

I want to curl up in my boys arms...but his arms are so far
away from me. I need him to come home...but I wont see him
for another two days..he gets back monday. So I'll see him
tuesday; I THINK. Unless that's the Aims day and then I wont
see him until wensday. It's to far off when I need him NOW.
But there's nothing I can do. I just have to take care of
myself and wait. Just sit and wait...and sleep...because
when I'm asleep it doesn't hurt...and all my bad thoughts go

When I sleep I don't want to hurt myself. I dont' want to
die. I seem to be going insane; probally because I'm comming
off my meds...it's making me drpessed and suicial. I can
make it through...as long as I have Luis with me I can do it.