Jamie's Daily Thoughts and Goals
2007-04-05 14:31:34 (UTC)

I Did It Again!!

So, I thought I would be on track by getting caught up on
the last entry but I went to bed again without journaling.
I really wish I wouldnt hold a pattern of anything to such
high importance but I cant help how I was raised. I will
once again input my entry for yesterdays happenings now
and then I will journal again tonight for today. Whew...ok
now yesterday went ok for me. I had 2 early morning
appointments and requested some anti anxiety meds from my
psychiatrist since i have been having panic attacks during
my sleep and it is waking me up a lot during the night. we
both suspect it is a subconscious reaction to the sexual
assault group starting up again. i wish i could use the
ativan (lorazapam) she gave me for the use that it is
intended but i tend to use stuff like this to zone out and
get a little high. last night for example i took .5mg (1
pill) at about 7pm and watched tv for a while. Then I took
2 more pills at bedtime 1 mg so that i could sleep well. I
think though that i really took it to stop thinking and
feeling. I hope that i can only use what is left for
actual attacks or days that anxiety and stress are very
high and not to get high at night when i am home alone.
considering that this type of med is habit forming i must
kick this little habit in the ass before its out of
control and i am hooked. i spent some time with brooke,
chloe, nick alex and the kids since i had to go out to pay
nickie some money back. their car died and i was wishing
that alex would not ask me for rides to and from work. i
went to aldi and big lots and did some shopping for things
that i did not really need. i am really low on funds
lately and i have to watch my spending very closely. i did
not take an afternoon nap although i wanted to but i did
sleep better last night for it so i guess it was a good
idea. anyway lastly, i did have a bit of a bingeling
episode right before bed by eating 4 peices of bread, 1
with miracle whip and turkey, 1 with peanut butter and
butter, 1 with butter and honey, and 1 with peanut butter
and honey. i dont know what triggered it but i am a bit
upset that i allowed myself to do it. other than that i
ate ok. at nickies i had some tuna helper, some chips, and
2 peices of cake! when i got home i had a 3 real-egg omlet
with ham, mushrooms, and tomato. i also had coffee twice
yesterday..in the morning and in the evening. my goal for
tomorrow is to stick to a level healthy eating plan
without bingeing and to make sure to get in at least 1
session of pdp and meditating. i also have a doctor
appointment at 3 with doctor flood regarding my ferritin
and irol levels. i hope he is sympathetic and doesnt blame
everything on my weight or i am likely to have a binge
episode later.

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