Asmodeus

No time for love Dr. Jones
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2007-04-04 13:45:27 (UTC)

With their actions and words, they don't always say what they mean

Bit of a bad one tonight. I'm not sure if it's because I'm
so tired or not that this is bothering me so much.

Basically I've just got home from the latest band meeting.
Everyone's pissed at me because Con got this email from
some chick asking if Day After Sadness is breaking up. She
saw on the Musicsa forum that I was asking about a bass
player position in another band and just assumed that we
had broken up, so she asked Con.

Con found the page and read the few comments I'd left
about all this, and here's the fucked up part. Rather than
calling me and asking what it's all about, he rang Rob.
And Quinn. And all three of them talked amongst themselves
forming theories and opinions and basically getting shitty
at me.

So I guess this is the part where I explain myself?
Basically I had thought that because this band was so
close to home (not a 3 hour return trip once a week), I
thought I could use it as an opportunity to not only meet
some new musicians in Adelaide, but to try and get some
creative juices flowing by playing with some new music and
with some new people. I honestly had no intentions
whatsoever of leaving DAS, or even letting it effect the
DAS stuff. I've been struggling lately to write new stuff,
whether it be because I've been so slack for so long and
not kept myself working on things, I don't know. I've been
trying to make a concerted effort to practice more, try
and get my juices flowing, but for some reason it's not
working. This pisses me off, but it's not the reason for
this post.

Back to the band... I've had a feeling for a couple of
weeks now that Quinn doesn't like me. I don't think he
hates me or anything silly like that, but I get a distinct
vibe that if he had the choice, he'd rather not hang
around me. This is fine, we're different people, we have
almost completely different interests, but once this is
coupled with the drama above, and the fact that I've just
finished an hour long drive home (plenty of time to think
when you're doing that), it leaves me thinking. How
much "one of the boys" am I? Do I even fit in with those
three guys? Have I distanced myself here, or is this high
school all over again? Am I not cool enough to be in their
band? What the fuck is wrong?

After pondering all this for an hour in the car alone, it
gets me thinking about all these feelings I'm having, and
it pisses me off. I hate it because it makes me feel like
a whining wanker. I hate that I can't just feel the way I
feel without some sort of bullshit paranoid shame. It's
like I'm not even cool enough to be my own friend.

Therapy anyone?


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