lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2007-04-04 04:43:58 (UTC)

close to finding my clear headed self

3:11PM Tuesday evening

What’s the point of dreaming
When I cant control my dream machine anymore
I’ve gotten used to slipping
Wake up, refill before I crash
Afraid to look in the mirror
That it might not be the same face I left off since
the la-a-a-a-ast
time...

Jesus, I must be out of my mind but I think it was Ter
who told me that I had a few different personalities, I'm
not completely how deep I can possibly get into it but
she's right...or is she wrong?

Which conversations where real and which were in my
dreams. Rather then face how sick I was and hear worried
voices, I reset the answering machine.

Now, I get it, more then most of those people at the
meetings, doctors who write books, who find peace, I'm not
looking for peace, just constantly on a chorus of
personalities, some that are tolerable, some that are'nt,
all that I have to fight except this one. Like a radio
station, that you might get a clearer signal on different
days, others you might not even have one. Your always the
same person but such as I am today, the first of many, I
feel back to life but what the fuck does that mean, a
confused brother might say,

'No wonder he hides.'

He makes me want to cry somedays because I know he
must have sat in here when I was gone, the eerie presence
of me still here. I wonder if he read through anything I
wrote. The day I kicked his door, not even as hard as I
could, he just happened to have a loose window so it made
it dramatic, like I was insane and breaking the door down
but really, I just gave it a hoof, thinking I was walking
home anyways.
I wish he let me hide with more understanding because
I always come back, I can try again but only go so far
because the worst thing is having people around you not
realizing that when your normal, still in pain and shaky,
I'm well aware of the, 'we should all work to make the
world go around', view. It's too bad because he's also
-bi-poler, were all fucked up in different ways, both our
parents are obviously sick in own but also very similar
disorders, making it almost positive that the genes were
passed on.

I'll write later, I have to eat before I get sicker,
my body feels empty of even water and I have a lot to do to
get back to were I last left off.

lee

8:18PM Tuesday night

It' been a long strenuous day but at least it ended OK
with the pharmacy calling and letting me know that my
medication was approved, the shitty thing being that the
delivery person had already left and the store closed at
eight. I had barley any time to make it there but did,
right before they locked the doors.

My day...

Wake up in terrible pain.

Got up feeling off balance like the left side of my body
was fine but the right deprived and so sore that one move
ment, I could yell, 'owww', with no cure, even make me cry
in pain with one tear roll down my face.

Taking a bath that wore me out to the point where I could
easily call it a day and go back to bed but fought it.

Went to the pawn shop to extend everything I have there.

Forgot one check so I had to walk home back in the cold.

Go to Pabs to get some tylonal cause it was faster then
seeing a docter and docters always treat me like I should
be fine by now after my accident.

Going through a lot just to get Mary out of the room for a
second so that me and Pab could make the transaction
because she was already really high of pills and Pab didnt
want her to know he had any.

Borrowed some movies.

On my walk home, pick up grocieries, graval, orange drink,
apple juice, a sprite and rootbeer, carpet deoderizer, two
packs or smokes and garbage bags that in all made my pain
way worse but couldnt stand the smell in the air from all
the puking, it smelt like a hospital but is fine now.

When I got home from all that I started my laundry and got
a call from the pharmacy that my meds were ready.

Walk there and back home to take three.

When I got home, I almost puked but managed to fight
the flu so far because I only get four a day and just took
three, which is what I'm supposed to take. If I did puke,
it would be like dropping three down the drian. To not
have anxiety tonite, right now, I could finally think
strait, watch a movie, work on a song or paint. Anything
to take a vacation away from the last week of sickness.
That's where a lot of the crime comes from, the bullshit
people have to put up with when doctors or pharmacies make
mistakes. My doctor knew I was taking four a day, nothing
unusual, two in the morning and at night but my previous
prescription said this,

'1/2 to 2, twice daily or as needed'.

It was written wrong, giving me 2 a day for two weeks,
not 4 a day for two weeks because it was named a 2 week
prescription, meaning that even thought it said on the
bottle 4 a day, every two weeks I was only supplied 28, so
I would always run out, going through hell for a week
before I could get more. They made it out like a was
taking more then I was instructed but I was taking them
properly. The last thing I wanted was to run out again...

Finally, I got everything right and wont have to go
through anything like this again because what the on-call
doctor did. He re-wrote my prescription for one week at a
time, 4 a day, what it should have always been. When you
run out of any of the drugs that are in the PAM family,
it's pretty much the same for everyone, you feel
uncomfortable in your skin, have pressured speech and a
hard time being part of the human race, shaking, never
feeling comfortable, even in your own home you feel afraid,
some days worse the others like living with a broken air
conditioner, you never feel comfortable and the pain and
uneasy feeling makes it impossible to enjoy doing things
you love.

It's kicking in now and I'm so happy I didn't puke
because the food I forced myself to eat, was really
expensive and healthy but knew that if it wasn't appealing,
I wouldn't eat and that it wouldn't stay down. A simple
pizza, cheezy bread and kickers that I didn't even touch
yet. I drank an Ensure about a half an hour thinking it
would take at least another hour and that I needed
something in my system fast.
It came under a half an hour fast and food that would
normally be finished fast, I couldn't finish the cheesy
bread and two slices of pizza, thin crusted. That isn't
filling because there's no thick filling bread that I
hate.
Now, I just have to fill up my week of pills and wont
have to worry about running out and/or being treated like a
junkie because I'm set at four, unlike my last prescription
where I was expected to take less, hopefully two a day, 'or
as needed', which I've learned means, if you do take more
then two, your flagged as taking more then your instructed
and have to wait to get more which was always stressful
because when all your trying to do is get better, the
system made it out like I was always over taking and are
cut off only making me ill and afraid full of anxiety where
everything is twice as annoying as it usually is, things
such as,

People who stare directly into your eyes when you walk past
them.

People on balconies or across the street who yell 'hey!',
that don't even know you who are normally selling or
looking for drugs or just like the feeling thinking people
are afraid of them for whatever reason boosts there ego.

Friends not understanding how chronic anxiety effects
everything about you, your the same person, only now your
afraid of everything, leaving your home, being in your
home, answering your phone, they understand to an extent
but think street drugs and alcohol can easily fix-all but
is the last thing I need.

Drunks that go on three to four day binges when they get
there checks, making them believe everything's fine when
there only making there lives worse and more to repair. In
the process if that's what there trying to do at all, I'm
at a different stage in life and can't pick up a twelve of
beer and get hammered anymore, not if I want to cure
myself, I've decided there's more to life then that and my
music is better when I concentrate on healing my pain so
that I can get things accomplished, like shopping, doing
laundry, my mothers pills on time, eat, picking mine up,
reading and trying my best to clean, which I eventually did
all and feel overworked.

Pharmacies that don't do what mine just did by going out of
there way to phone my doctor and telling them how important
it is, being transferred to another Doctor that works next
to him, who was well aware that you cant be cut off any
drug in the Pam family without bad side effects.

The tickle in the bottom of my thought that gives you a
feeling of barfing out whatever you just ate that is
healable if you find a way to control it, mine being taking
deep breaths and thinking of other things and how much
pucking would make things worse, that food and pills need
to digest in order for me to get healthier and I did
eventually fight it off but it was hard.

No being able to smoke or sleep because of gagging on a
thick white substance that my bodies been trying so hard to
get rid of, the bad ingredient that makes me cough like I
was and still am on paper towels. The less I have of that
shit in me, the better I feel. Also the feeling of having
a second heart or that my right lung was dieing but I can
beath reletivily good now. It actually felt like I had a
baby in me kicking.

Friends that I saw, like the one who used to work at the
vendor who now works at the Pawn Shop, the first place I
had to go to put my TV, DAT and DVD player on hold for
another month. It would have been better if I bought at
least one thing back but with my computer, I can watch
DVD's, produce my music and watch almost everything, free
of commercials.

The Church next to me that blasts there bells all day long,
I believe until nine. Not only once an hour but constantly
playing off-beat songs and hymns that I can hear even if
all my windows are closed. If I were able to get big
enough speakers, like the towers I used to have a long time
ago that do the same but I don't have the option of being a
church and I'd be evicted right away. It drives me nuts
when they start playing some song while I'd quietly be
recording for my next album or trying to sleep. I went
there a few times and Ter went there once asking polightly
to to least turn them down a bit because there way to load
at times.

--

What a long day, at least I'm slowly coming back to
myself and ate the little that I did that's actualy making
me happy and awake. I got to take everything that was
dirty that washed, towels and clothing I puked on, sick, it
smels good in here now though. Since i've been sleeping so
much the cats have being bad, going crazy. They pissed on
a few things because the litter needed changing. Damn
smart things they are, they know I love them and that
they'll get away with things like that only if they are
dirty and since they really were I forgive them. Toms in
my lap right now sleeping and Tim seems to be in a
different spot every time I see her, she needs less
attention but still crawls in with me to bed or when I call
her. Right now she looks content laying behind me looking
at the ceiling.

I hope Ter's ok, I give you all my blesings and sorry if I
worried you, ever since Jam told me off I havent sighned on
msn, maybe I'll sighn back on and block him because one of
my favorite producers, 'Andy', who's worked with me a lot
in the past that wont talk to Jam, sent me an email, saying
he's ready to put in his touch into the new album so this
one is going to be similar to my last and that's what I was
looking for, the same people, just a different sound with a
few new additions. So far it's sounding great

off to find myself

take care everyone and try to appreciate the little things
lee




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