Emilee

Phantomgirl
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2007-04-01 00:05:33 (UTC)

Why?

We are told that we are never given more than we can handle.
As I have gotten older and have had more severe trials I
begin to wonder what exactly this means.
I don't understand why God is giving me so many trials. I
know I am not the only one, or the first one who has ever
felt this way.. But it sucks.
It seems to me that I am destined to live life alone. Every
time I get close to someone, I move, they move, something
gets in the way.
Why is it that I have been forced to loose so many. Sure I
have lots of friends, but i keep loosing the ones that
matter the most. First I moved and severed almost all
contact with the people I grew up with for 14 years. So I
make a friend, only to find out she is moving away. I have a
fantastic violin teacher- who leaves. I start dating this
amazing boy, someone who actually knows and understands me.
Someone who is painfully similar but yet completly
different. Someone who tolerates me without getting angry.
Someone who loves me no matter how much I piss them off. I
knew it would come to this point, the point where he would
leave for two years- not being allowed to talk to me, only
being allowed to write letters once a week, making my life
lonely once more well I sit here and rot, thinking only of
the future when he gets back, or when I go to collage,
wondering if I will get accepted my fellow collage peers.
Accepting the fact that dating won't be an option
considering how all the good boys that are my age will be
gone for the next two years.
Life would be so much easier if I chose to be alone instead
of being forced to. If you turn your back on everyone else
then it makes it less painful when they turn their back on
you, even if turning their back on you isn't there chose.
So.. What do I find myself doing today. Laying curled up in
a ball on the beach, refusing to talk to the boy that is
leaving for two years. Sitting crying, wondering where I can
draw strength from to handle the loneliness..
But yet, I always find the anticipation worse then actually
being lonely. Once they are gone, it gets a lot easier. As
with anything anticipation is better or worse then the
actual thrill.
Nothing seems to help. These eyes haven't been dry for 24
hours now, and I have a killer head ache.


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