Animals need lawyers too
back in undergrad i didn't really join any groups. i told
myself that this would be different when i got my second
chance in law school. i would join every organization i
could devote my time to.
well that turned to be a bust. i began by joining the
Federalist Society. i joined on the belief that this was a
somewhat libertarian minded society. yeah fucking right.
it was just another stalworth of crazy right wingers sucking
on their religious fumes for the power to determine their
stances on political issues.
i realized the society was nothing for me when i went to
their debates and repeatedly found myself rooting for the
person who was arguing against the representative for the
anyhow, last semester i was given an "honorary nomination"
to be the next vice-president. this isn't nearly as
flattering as it sounds. the numbers of the federalist
society had been dwindling for some time and i think now
there were maybe 12 people in the society. this of course
translated into 2 whacked out girls (1 president, 1
vice-president) and 10 apathetic "members" but only in name.
anyhow, i stopped going to their meetings and had done a
great job of avoiding those two for most of teh year until
when i went to the god damned animal defense league.
in my defeense, i was badgered into going to this fucking
idiotic league by amanda. she's been weird lately, like she
took kyle's seat in civ pro (i remind you we are treated
like 3rd graders and have assigned seats, so it's quite a
big deal if you steal someone's seat) and sat next to me.
anyhow we talked and have been more now.
i think it was all a ploy to recruit me into the animal
defense league. now i'll tell you one thing 1ls to be. if
you want to meet chicks, join the animal defense league.
however, if you're happily married and find the notion that
animals need legal representation noxious, avoid this league
at all costs.
so there i was in my own world in which animals needed REAL
legal advice. i pictured animals coming to me with drug
dealing problems. i imagined a black bear coming to me and
talking in the voice of 'stringer bell' from 'the wire'.
"you we got ourselves a problem chief, i got popped with a
g-pack up on 49th....RAAWWGH!!!...yeah, sorry bout that cuz,
you know...me being a black bear and RAWGGHHH!!! mothafucka!"
and then the black bear plays the race card and there i was
litigating in front of a jury of black stallions and skunks
(who know how hard it is being of mixed color) when my
thought bubble was popped,
"so why do you want to join the animal defense league?"
i realized this was directed at me.
"cos animals need help?"
"yes, well we all have that general belief, but what
specifically drew you to this cause?"
fucking law students, always wanting the specifics.
"i want to make the big money defending animals with drug
the puzzled looks were all around.
"you...you mean like the poisoned pet food?"
so there i was trying to get rid of amanda when micah and
shannon came up to me.
"haven't seen you at the federalist society in a while."
they said in almost tandom, which gave me the creeps, sorta
like the twins in the shining.
"ummm, yeah been really busy."
they gave me the 'yeah right' look.
"well unfortunately the nominees have already been chosen."
then they gave me the exasperated looks, made some more
small talk then probably went to plot my demise.
i spent the rest of the day practicing my litigation skills
for squirrels, chipmunks, hawks, and the homeless, all who
mean about the same to me.