bluemoon

The crazy world of me
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2007-03-17 05:36:44 (UTC)

so much

hey so it has been a really long time again. a lot has
happened I guess u can say. I forgot how writing in here
always made me feel a lot better. I got to start again. but
where is the time is the question.
so I am still working at the bank. "my favorite job"
hahaha not so much any more. I do love the job I just cant
stand the people I have to work with. they are the kind of
people who think that they are just perfect and that they
are right about everything. u could have proof that they
are wrong and it wouldn't matter they would still say there
are right somehow. There are for real only two people I can
stand there and one of them is probably so fake its
ridiculous. If this girl Katie didn't work there I am not
sure I could go to work. The only thing that sucks is that
she doesn't work all the time. Those would be most of my
bad days when I am there.
Well, I went back to school!!!!! Good job for me. I am
going to school to be a medical assistant. I actually get
out of school in a month and I cant wait. The school and
working is killing me slowly. I was working three jobs for
a while and going to school but I had to stop that. All
just to pay off a damn credit card. Still haven't got it
all the way paid off. Its sucks. I really love school
though for the most part. I never was so interested in the
body until now. I eventually want to go back and get my RN
and then my surgical tech licence but that's some ways
away. I have to get out of school first. Sometimes I
wonder though if I really made the right decision but I
think I did. I am the kind of person who likes to help
people. That feeling u must get from helping saving a life
has to be awesome. I can wait to feel that.

So its still the same old shit with Ricky. Were fine while
he is gone, but never really talk until right before he
comes home and then when he gets here its like a battle
zone or something. This last time he was here he said that
he thought we were getting along good but I didn't really
think so. I was upset just about every night that he was
here. I really do believe he cares about me but I have to
question myself sometimes.
The whole reason I was so upset with him is because I work
and go to school so when he would make plans with me to
hang out after school I would be so excited because we
usually have good times even if we are doing nothing. I
just like his company. Anyway, so we would make plans to
hang out and then when I would call him he would be hanging
out with his boys. I was like what the hell, he had the
whole entire day and night to hang out with them and when
he gets just a little time to spend with me he blows me
off. He eventually would end up coming over but not until
almost 1 am. well that doesn't really work for me
considering I had to work the next morning.
Then, one night when we were suppose to hang out he brings
his boy with him. Not a big deal because I don't like hate
his friend, at least not that one, but I wanted to spend
time with him. I guess since he stayed at my house that
Friday night and then all day Saturday while I was at work
that he felt like we spent some time together. we did spend
some time on Saturday night too but I pretty much was
shafted after that.
That just kicked off my whole bad week. Then i got in an
argument with my boss, he said i rolled my eyes or some
bullshit when he was talking. Caused all drama. It went
down hill from there. I came home from work early that day
and my mom asked why i was home and i told her i couldn't
take it.she said i dont know how ur going to make it in the
world. that took a blow to the heart. its not like i leave
work all the time. i just cant wait till i can quit. i am
ready for the next step in my life. at least i think....

I sit and ask myself why I just cant give him up but I
never can come to that. I just sit here and torture myself.
what a fucking genius I am. there is just something about
him though. I just wish once in my life he would show he
really does give a fuck about me. yeah he says it but what
are words. people say a lot of things. I really don't know
if the good times out way the bad. I will probably never
know.
I don't know if I just use our past relationship as an
excuse not to get in another one or not. But I just tell
myself all the time I don't want to go through that again.
its weird how loosing someone's love hurts so much,
especially after so long. A lot of times I feel real alone
and just wish I could have someone who really cared and
loved me, not someone who says they do but really just
wants to fuck me. Not saying that about Ricky, because I do
believe he did at one time, but about others. It seems like
there are no good guys left anymore. If u don't want to
fuck from the start these days most guys just aren't
interested.
I tried that fucking before the relationship thing and its
just not a good thing. I always was upset in the end. Plus
fucking every guy you think is a potential candidate for a
relationship is not always the safest thing. Way to many
risk and I just got tired of taking those risk. I really
just fear that I will always be alone. Maybe I am just to
picky or something. I often wonder if I will ever find a
real love again. I know I am young and I have a lot of life
ahead of me still but it still bothers me. Yeah I have had
other relationships but none where I didn't feel like it
was because they just wanted to get into my pants. I really
hate men. Its a shame I could never like females because I
have had a lot of lesi's want me. grosssssssssssssssss!!!!
Mariah Carey now she is a hot bitch. I would turn lesi for
her.
I sit back and read my old entries sometimes and i read my
first one. i want to update on somethings. my sister has
done really good for herself. i am so proud of her. i was
really scared when she quit college that, that was it. I
didnt want to see her end up like my brothers. She has way
more potential then that. She got married, moved to TN, and
had a baby. A lot since i first started writing. My little
nephew is sooooo damn cute. I love him with all my heart.
Even though when they do come visit my sister and i end up
arguing at least once I am still really glad they come. I
miss them a lot. two people i dont know if i could live
without is her and my mom. The two people whose opinion
probably mean the most to me, which is why my moms comment
hurt so much. There are others but they are the top two.
Even though I did graduate high school. It was like I was
so expected to go to college and i wanted to but it just
wasnt working out. then when i did, i got the feelings all
over to do the best. to make my mom proud. i dont know what
that is all about. maybe its because i was being doubted
from my parents about me never going back to school and
making someone of myself. who knows maybe i am just fucking
crazy and put these thoughts into my head.
Well, my chest pains are not as bad now. Always a positive.
I really need to write more. I forgot how good it felt most
the time when I was done. I am going to go. So until next
issue peace homies!!! ~Michelle~


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