I drink Alone
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2007-03-15 18:06:31 (UTC)


If life could only be a TV show. All drama in order. All
problems solved in 30 minutes or less.
Problems would pop in and out, daily changing, hardly ever
remembered after it's gone.
I feel like I can't get my head around the problems, I
can't think enough to work through them. I can't tell whats
real and whats not anymore.
When I first met Frank everything went great. We were
perfect. We made each other happy.
People thought we were silly but very obviously into each
Then she came into the picture and shook what I thought I
knew to be facts.
I couldn't stand the thought of coming in second. I hated
seeing them together. They acted like we used to. Suddenly
I was the outsider. We were still together but I was just
the jealous girl-friend that he had to deal with.
It got so out of control it was controlling me. I imagined
people were watching, that things were obviously not ok
Then I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage because I
couldn't stop stressing out. Because I was letting my anger
and jealousy run my emotions. The baby I wanted so bad was
gone just like that.
It was a baby. How can you explain to someone the feeling
of destroying something so helpless? How can you keep
feeling like a whole person after that? Suddenly going to
work, going out with people, even getting up in the morning
seemed wrong. Why should I keep going forward when I so
easily took something out by my own bitterness?
It got worse from there. I couldn't look at the two of them
without so much anger coming up that I wanted to destroy
them both.
I felt like he was going to her to feel better. I never
thought he'd cheat on me but I started thinking he didn't
want to be around me anymore. We'd fight and he'd go to
her. It killed me inside and things got worse.
How do you stop the endless circle?
How can you feel ok with someone when you think they both
are laughing at you together. That they think I'm just
insane and they have to tiptoe around me?
HE said he understood but it happened again, he promised to
come back but he didn't. He said he wants space but I
couldn't deal with that. I freaked out. I'm the emotionally
unstable girl. I thought things were okay at work but then
I started feeling like he didn't want to be around me, that
all he was thinking about was talking to her again.
Anger again. Now it's happened again. I've again destroyed
something that meant so fucking much.
Inside I'm struggling so much. I want to hold on and stay
ok but I don't know if that's even possible. I'm a thin
fucking line.
I feel like I should let him go. I should let him be happy
and find his perfect someone. I feel like I should fall to
pieces alone. No one should have to be around that. But I
don't know where to find the strength. It destroys me
completley. I start to feel like a empty shell. Like I'm
lined with so much confusion and pain that it can't even
affect me right anymore.
I need to let him go and I don't know how to do that. I
need to give him his time to breathe but I'm afraid I'd
never see him again.
It hurts so much when he doesn't talk to me that I want to
walk far away.
I feel like a little kid sometimes, one who can't stop
misbehaving. One who can't let go of stupid things.
I hate myself most of the time and I hate more that I can't
get over it.

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