Zach

CloudStrifeOmn
2007-03-06 20:47:57 (UTC)

Change

So it's been a constant thought on my mind latley.. i
really need to change and revamp my life.. it's so fucked
up! haha yes you sire are screwed!.. anyway i just dont
like taking care of sam.. making sure he's awake before
dinner..taking care while he's sick.. while i'm sick..
i'll never get better if i'm always active.. my dogs
looking at me like he wants something.. probably to go
outside..stupid bladder.. i just took him out 20mins ago
and he ran away.. well not really.. he walks like 8 houses
up.. then when you call he walks like he's in trouble..
only makes me madder..and i try to talk calm.. then
excited.. and he just looks at me from hundreds of yards
away.. change right stay on topic haha..

so.. maybe my life dosent really suck so much.. but i'm
tired of it make sense?.. i'm tired of hanging with the
same people.. doing the same things... and spending money
on food.. are you kidding me? i dont need fancy dining to
be happy.. spending money dosent make me happy.. maybe i
should try shopping appearently it makes girls happy lol

but i feel my life is just going no where.. nothing is
happening.. the suprises are gone.. like a movie.. the
climax is gone off and over.. and now were at the credits
while the lame scene is going on in the back.. i mean..
it's not the bloopers that would be exciting haha..

i want new things.. new places.. new happiness..less
worries.. less pain.. less frustration.. less wondering..
more adventure and excitment.. less plain jane.. the bad
habbits to go away.. i want to be a part of something... i
want attention from where i'm not getting it.. i want more
respect.. less anger..more happiness..

it burns down to i want so much change that i dont feel
like a normal person anymore.. i dont feel
the "homeostasis" (where your body is in perfect harmony
with itself).. i want to feel that way.. everywhere i see
there are people.. and i hate feeling i want to be like
them.. just anyone.. i want to know myself.. understand..
i feel like no one wanting to be someone.. dont get me
wrong i'm very happy at the time being.. but majority of
my time i'm stuck in this.. haha well we will call it the
Dummy mode, or pinocchio mode.. i wish i was a real boy!
haha but yeah i'm stuck in this mode.. feeling left out..

kinda like saying i have a lot of friends but i dont hear
from them..what's another night all alone (song playing
conviently) but it's true.. if i dont contact someone.. it
seems every night will be a night all alone.. makes me
wonder am i really that anti-social.. if i am i want to
fix it.. can i get help for that? where do i start.. do i
have an unreasonable image of myself that i cant acquire?
will this ever go away.. what do i need to do..

i'd scream for help.. but if someone answered asking what
can they do.. i have nothing to tell them... it's so
complicated.. i wish i was little again..when girls didnt
matter.. friends were the most valued thing i had.. and i
was the most valued they had.. when i could feel how
special i was to someone.. lol when the alphabet was the
only assignment i had.. when the real world was just a
phrase i wouldnt understand till later.. and when someone
would take care of me.. it all seems to be lost in
history..where and why did it all leave.. if it didnt
leave then where is it hiding..




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