blkdragon

grounded
2007-03-06 05:20:21 (UTC)

Everybody out of the pool

3/5--7:47PM—I thought about what happened with Charlotte at
the casino Friday night, her attendance was a conscious
plan, I remembered her telling me that Billy got paid
bi-weekly and it was his pay week; she knew he’d be at
Lincoln because it’s his favorite casino. Charlotte hoped
she’d run into him and she didn’t believe she’d care that he
wouldn’t be alone, she believed he still wanted her, if he
ever really did; now she’s coming to the conclusion that he
may not have wanted her at all. Billy’s snubbing of
Charlotte in the presence of her best friend and the women
that accompanied him, hurt her deeply, it really doesn’t pay
to put oneself on the firing line; especially if your heart
isn’t wearing a bullet-proof vest.
Why Charlotte didn’t understand that Billy would still be
working on his anger towards her is a mystery, perhaps she
believed his anger would fuel his passion and if it did;
Charlotte wasn’t on his passions receiving end. Knowing what
I now know has kept me from being on the phone, I’ve left it
in my bedroom and I’ll be soaking in the tub soon, I plan to
have a dram of Sambuca; something to eat and prepare for
tomorrow.
I’m not in the mood to hear about Charlotte’s day or her
feelings on the recent events, I’m not in the mood to share
my day, I’ve been running the scenario that mowed Charlotte
down in my head and I can’t for the life of me be
compassionate for someone that attempts to trap a ghost.
My day wasn’t bad, there was laughter and I found myself
very busy, now I’m tired and sporting a bit of a headache. I
made it to NEO, got my records and insurance paperwork, I
then went to my therapists and gave her my script; she set
my schedule and I came home. I’ll clean my skates, charge my
flash player, get my clothes together for work; prepare my
dinner and meals for tomorrow before calling it a night.
10:25PM—Charles washed dishes this morning, he didn’t seem
to understand that one doesn’t wash dishes without cleaning
the kitchen, one doesn’t live somewhere without cleaning
where they live; I’d left the shop-vac out and he didn’t put
that away. The night stands have glass tops, he didn’t clean
those, the ashtrays were full of his cigarette butts and he
didn’t bother to empty those; he took money out of the
cookie jar that he wasn’t supposed to touch and he’s
probably dreading seeing me. His income tax check has come,
he’ll get to look at it but he won’t be able to touch it
unless he packs his things and leaves my home. When my check
arrives, whether he’s working or not he’s leaving. The fact
that I’m working and providing isn’t enough for him to
realize that he has weight he needs to carry, I don’t need
to clean the kitchen if I’m providing and cooking the food,
I don’t need to take out the garbage and I better not need
to tell him to clean up after himself; my home is not as
clean as I keep it without him and he refuses to respect
himself enough to respect me.
Charlotte called an hour and a half ago, I was busy and
didn’t hear the phone, I didn’t want to hear the phone
either; that’s why I was nowhere near it. I felt bad and
decided to call her, I knew that she wouldn’t answer the
phone, perhaps she called because she felt sad and alone;
she’ll have to deal with that on her own. I called to tell
her that I wasn’t in the mood to talk and that I wasn’t
angry with her, I told her that we’d talk soon and said
“bye”; I’ve never not said “I love you” nor goodbye to her
and I’m sure she’ll tack some significance to that fact, she
should.
Charlotte made a point to tell me that she’d considered so
many things with me, while wishing Billy would return to
her, I don’t blame her for hedging her bets; it’s the
gambler in her that wanted to win at all costs. The problem
at hand is the fact that she may have bet the farm and lost
everything, I’d always believed that she knew when to “fold
them”, apparently I was wrong; I’m sure she also considered
the fact that she might run the risk of losing everything.
Perhaps she didn’t believe me capable of walking away from
her, she liked to say that “she had it going on”, one thing
I’ve learned is to never blow your own horn; you look better
when someone else blows it. What women and men alike seem
not to understand is that beauty is in the “eye of the
beholder”, this means that the people we find beautiful are
only beautiful because we see the beauty in them, I am only
handsome because the woman looking at me believes me to be;
not because I say that I am. I may tell myself that I am a
lot of things, handsome isn’t one of them, I’m not conceited
in the least; nor am I narcissistic, I don’t drool at my own
reflection.
The chances of Charlotte calling me tomorrow night seem
slim, I’m not concerned though, I could use the peace of
mind; I have issues of my own to deal with. She’ll get my
v/m and make a decision, she knows my schedule better than I
know hers, that must say something; just not sure what. I’m
reasonably sure that my not answering the phone gave her
something to think about, that’s as it should be, I’m
nobody’s plaything; something Charles is about to learn real
soon.
Charles came in the house, not too long ago, I heard him
climb the stairs; I met him at the door. Charles had the
same look on his face that my dogs wore when they knew
they’d displeased me, tail between their legs and their eyes
cast to the floor, not knowing what to expect. Charles is
supposed to have an advantage over the lower animal forms,
yet he had the same look on his face, like he couldn’t learn
from his mistakes; too bad. I’ll be calling the YMCA to find
out what the cost of a room will be and we’ll call it a day!
He wanted to watch television, while eating, I told him to
turn it off, he’d left the monitor on for the last 12 hours
that he wasn’t here; he’s not paying my utility bill.




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