I have a knack for engulfing myself in uncomfortable situations
unless you're a god-killing jew, or an airplane crashing
muslim you are will aware that this past wednesday was the
holy day of ash wednesday. i have no freakin' idea what
went down during ash wednesday, but i am now aware that it
can lead to a very uncomfortable situation for nick.
so there we are in our legal writing group again doing the
research that we need for our upcoming memo. for a while i
was going to let it slide, but helen had a huge 'T' drawn on
her forehead with what looked to be a black magic marker.
the group research was boring as fuck and i hadn't said
anything the entire time so i decided to box helen's tits a bit.
"so what happened? you fall asleep drunk or something?"
"what do you mean?"
"the 'T' on your forehead...a friend catch you passed out
and use your forehead as his own sketch pad?"
"it's the sign of the cross!" she said unbelievably offended.
i blustered, "what?"
"today is ash wednesday!" she was getting really flustered now.
"what?" i wasn't making the connection at all.
then allison came in to my aide,
"on ash wednesdays it is common practice in christianity to
have a priest mark the sign of the cross on your forehead
with some charcoal."
let me describe how awful i felt at this point.
helen was sitting there with her mouth half ajar. allison
was trying to diffuse the situation with as many, "so what
were we working on" interlocutories as possible, and
i...well i was sitting there in complete astonishment. i
felt like those southwest commercials where they ask, "wanna
yes...very much so.
but seriously. i get the whole thing about doing it in
church, and i know (well NOW i know) that believers are
supposed ot have it on till sundown, but i think that jesus
anyhow. in case you are ever confronted with a person with
a T on their forehead in what appears to be black magic
on a sidenote i watched 'Vanilla Sky' last night. pretty
decent movie but i had one major problem with it. you see
tom cruise has cameron diaz as a jealous lover who goes
apeshit when he falls in love with penelope cruz.
this is all good and well, but the thing is this. it's
cameron FUCKING diaz...she's unbelievably hot! then there's
penelope cruz, to whom i have already sent a dozen roses and
an invitation to a menage a trois with me and juli.
that's like you hanging out with jesus and then all of a
sudden god himself comes down, and god runs a chilli cheese
dog stand in heaven. i mean what's up now? are you gonna
ditch the man who died for your sins to hang out with DA MAN
who also happens to run a chilli cheese dog stand?
no matter what you win.
and that's the thing. they should have had someone ugly
like rosie o'donnell play cameron diaz's role. that way if
she's psycho you're like, "god damn, she doesn't have the
but with cameron diaz, she can drive a car off a bridge with
me in it any day of the week, if it means that she wants to
fuck my brains out.
i'm just sayin'.