Getting a Gun
the first question you are hit with when you nonchalantly
mention that you might want to buy yourself a handgun
believe it or not there isn't anyone who i would like to
lighten myself of. i'm not paranoid to think that black
people are at the gates of my suburban home and must be kept
back by well placed .45 slugs.
there are two reasons for my wanting a gun. first and
foremost is somewhat ideological. i just want to exercise
my 2nd amendment right. secondly, i want to know how to do
everything. seriously, i'm like faust here, i want to know
EVERYTHING, and that includes handling a gun. so those are
my two reasons for wanting a gun.
on to actually getting one. luckily i have two friends who
are all about their 2nd amendment rights. josh, who is
ex-military (albeit the canadian military); and brian who is
from montana and was born with a rifle in his hand.
the three of us decided to go down to the local pawn
shop/gun exchange. needless to say...you don't meet very
many future senators or presidents in such places.
instead you are treated to people who want to sell dvd
players without a power cord and dvds without the case.
be that as it may, we were able to find a very helpful and
kind gun seller, who went by the congenial name of, 'mitch'.
mitch is the kind of guy, that if i met him on the street in
a dark alley, i'd probably pull out a piece of paper and
scrawl down my last will. he is the kind of guy who looks
like he eats puppies and shits nails.
anyhow, we got to talking about guns and he turned out to be
a hell of a guy. as we looked at and handled a couple of
the guns, he gave me such informative tidbits as,
"now the glock, you'll notice the glock's barrel juts
forward further than most other guns."
"this is to lessen the recoil. you see they pivot the
majority of the weight to the front to lessen the recoil."
"wow those austrians know how to make some great guns."
"you're telling me."
"i'm actually austrian."
"no shit...well should i just bag this one up for you then?"
"nawh, still looking."
"well i'll tell you what, you should go to this place west
o' here where you can actually try out the guns before you
then he paused and looked at us, the quickly looked around
and leaned on the glass counter.
"but you gotta take one o' your buddies here with ya."
"oh it dangerous out there?"
"nawh man..." he looked around again then came even closer
to us and whispered,
"people fucking shoot themselves out there."
"what? like accidentally."
"nawh man." and with this he put his pointer and index
finger in his mouth and pulled his thumb trigger,
"yeah. on second thought, if you wanna make sure you get in
der, you should bring a chick."
he glanced at my left hand.
"bring your wife."
"people think you're less likely to shoot yourself in front
of a gal."
"that still hold if you're married?"
and we all laughed quite heartily.
apparently mitch had actually worked in the premier law firm
downtown. after bullshitting about how we were all aspiring
lawyers we got to the uncomfortable silence of how he ended
up in the central gun exchange (he was about mid 30s so not
"heh, yeah well. now i'm here." and with this he spread
his hands like jesus.
"you make one fucking mistake in your life, and you pay for
the rest of it."
this was our cue to go. we thanked mitch profusely and
hustled out of there.
and as we walked with the rain hitting our heads, we got to
a bus stop where this guy was screaming obscenities at
everyone there. he wasn't just your normal "i hate all the
world" crazy guy who screams at cars with a cardboard box
on, but he was directing his vicious anger at anyone there.
getting in people's faces and pointing his dirty finger at
them, yelling things such as, "fuck you you son of a bitch.
i'm gonna fucking kick your ass. what are you looking at?"
he did this to everyone! men and women alike. so we're
walking by him and he bumps into josh (intentionally) and
josh being the ex-military type that he is...is about to
throw down with the craziest person i've ever seen.
you just had to see this guy. something was not right in
his mind. his eyes were blood red and bugging out, he was
foaming on the corner of his mouth and he just looked like
he was on PCP.
i quickly grabbed josh and muttered, "dude, jesus christ,
you don't know if he's armed."
"fuck that, this guy is one cocksucker that i'm gonna drop."
thank god the cops showed up right there. and as i loosened
my grip on josh's arm i couldn't help but feel somewhat
proud. he was going to just drop this guy like he was a bad
anyhow, we mosied on to another pawn shop, which was once
again filled with really seedy people. and then i found out
that there is a wrong question to ask a pawn shop owner.
"so, how would i know that none of these guns are illegal?"
"what do you mean?"
"i mean do you do checks on these guns?"
at this he reared up like a 4-headed hydra.
"what do you think? you think i'm bringing in guns with
blood on them?"
whoa, okay, he did not look pleased so we hustled out of there.
anyhow, i'm still looking into it, unfortunately guns are
quite expensive, but i'm still set on one. we'll see.