Billwilson

Recovery of a Sex Addict
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2007-02-23 07:24:34 (UTC)

Thursday Feb 22, 2007

Thursday Feb 22, 2007

Much time has past since I have made an entry in this
diary. Alot of that steamed from the depression that I was
getting into over not being able to stay sexually sober. I
am here to report that I am still powerless over lust.
I got very discouraged when I would have to get on here and
report that I had relapsed into acting out on the internet
and start over. It almost became a cycle in its self. It
is like I don’t want to really feel good about my self and
once I start doing better I sabotage myself. I don’t have
time to give a really good update on what has been
happening between then and now.
But just to hit some of the highlights
1. I found out that I am extremely codependent and a
lot of my slips are as a result of some of these issues.
2. I came to the conclusion that I base what I think
of myself off what my wife thinks or other.
3. I have 2 herniated disks in my back and they cause
me serious discomfort if I over exert myself.
4. As a result of this pain I have been taking
painkillers and muscle-relaxers.
5. I have at times abused these medications so that I
don’t have to really face what is going on in my life.
6. My sister came to me and confided in me that she
believes she was rapped or molested by an older man when
she was younger. She doesn’t remember much of this. She
told me she thinks it was our Dad.
7. It was around this time period that I started using
the prescription drugs more to escape from looking at these
issues rather than really looking at some of this stuff.
8. I was introduced to pornography by finding my
fathers collection. Within that, there was a pornographic
book on incest.
9. As a result of all of this my relationship with my
parents has changed and I have become very distant.
10. However, both me and my brother were molested by a
babysitter when we were young so it is possible that he was
the culprit.


I am not blaming my sexaholism on anyone or anything. Why
is a management issue and I am not into management. I am
powerless over lust. I do believe that these issues are
blocking me off from God and also somehow connected with my
inability to stay sober.
I will write more later.


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