soul survivor
2007-02-10 05:31:49 (UTC)


with everything that has happened i learned a lesson.
never drop your friends for a guy and its not good to be
posessive, i remeber a friend telling me:
buddhists and hindus believe in recarnation the idea that
a person dies, the soul returns to earth in a brand new
body. each trip back us a lifetime and a person may return
hundreds and hundreds of times. during each liftime, they
meet up with the same people they were close to in the
past lives, but since everyone looks completely different
in eah life, it might take a while for them to get
together again.
eventually their souls reconize eachother. your souls meet
up again because there are still challenges they need to
overcome and lessons need to learn that they can only
together. from the buddhist perspective, a couple who
hates eachother taste in music must have been rival
composers who fought constantly in their last lifetime.
they might have been brought together in this lifetime so
they could figure out a way to compromise and work out
their differences. every single relationship (whether it
has a happy ending or not) helps you become wiser stronger
person by the time you finally meet "the one" you'll be
ready. it sounds chessy but i believe in fate &
soulmates. i know i'm not good in relationships. i really
do want one . right now i wouldn't mind seeing someone. if
i do meet someone, i'm gonna take my time with everything
like kissing,sex, staying over at their place. i'm not
gonna be like guarded totally, but in someways.
don't blame me!
i just don't want to go trhough anymore pain. i know i can
fall hard for someone, but the last person i fell for hurt
me as well. he wouldn't stick by me and also even regret
loving me & being with me. i don't blame kale for loving
linda, but when you love someone aren't you suppose to
mean it and not regret it?
"i still love linda, and not you?" your not suppose to say
that to someone. i'm still hurt, i'm scared to even have a
relationshop. i love having fun, but at the sametime its
i just wanna an awesome guy who will be patient with me
and respect me for me & love me for me. not just cause i'm
pretty face, wear nice clothes, do my hair when i'm at the
bar. i'm still the same person as i was in highschool. but
no one seems to notice that it's like after highschool i
got hot all of a sudden.

march 3rd/05
why is everyone saying that i'm not a relationship person.
my mom is like cameron doesn't know what he's gotten
himself into. i've changed i can handle having a
relationship. i'm not gonna break his heart, cause i can't
handle getting my heart broken, yes i've cheated, lied and
done alot of wrong but i know now. cause kale even said i
really wanted it to work. i tried to prevent it, i really
did. if i found out earlier i could of prevented it. kale
taught me alot about myself. a part of me still does love
him. but i know that can never be what it use to be. the
damage has been done. i did alot and threw aways alot of
my life. even brian said i can't see you being with
cameron to long. cause your different, you think
differently from most people. caue the way you act and
present yourself.
moms life your to materialistc. i know i wam, but honestly
thats just me. i just want to settle down with someone.
maybe cameron could help me. we do keep eachother inline.
i miss him then again i missed raymond(bah).
i've to figure things out & fast. maybe in the end i might
hurt cameron cause i could be dating him for all the wrong
reasons. not for money thats for sure, maybe cause i want
someone so badly in life.

dear journal march 22/05

it's been two months between cameron & i. i am also so
happy with him. and i am also in love with him. maybe it's
too soon, but all i know this is where i am. i really so
care for him, i can actually see myself with him longterm.
a longterm relationship, i am so happy. prolly more happy
that i've ever been.
i do love cameron reid
things are awesome between us i can't wait. my life is
goin according to plan. we are going to etown 2gether i
can't wait. everything i caould ever wish for is great.
cameron respects me , cares & loves me. i'm absolutely
grateful having cameron in my life. i've always wondered
what it would be life just to be w/ him. i'm not sick of
hum, i enjoy being with him and that is not like me.
normally i'm sick of people very quickly i wouldn't cre
either. with people i've been with i get sick of people
really quickly. i don't know what i'm scared of. i might
feel i'm scared i'm gonna put up with alot of bullshit
again. i'm scared of being in love. i am in love with a
great guy don't me wrong. i really do care for him, i just
don't want alot of remenissing. i want this to last, cause
i can see myslef with him for aehile. i know the only way
we won't be together if i say i don't want to be with him.
thats all for now.

Dear Journal MARCH 29TH/2005

I'm so happy now it's been a longtime since i felt this
way actually since kale and i broke up. Kale was my first
love. we rushed into that alot. i think it was for the
better. Now i'm in love with someone else cameron reid.
I'll admitt that i'm scared shitless, i'm scared of
getting hurt. I'm deathly scared. But i knoe for one thing
i can see myself with Cameron longterm. Very scary thought
cause the only person i could see myself with was Kale.
Everything seems so much better now. I'm truly in love
with Cameron. I don't have to be something that I'm not.
Its's weird how a moment can play a part of your life. I
know I've made some awful mistakes. But i've changed, i'm
so lucky to have cameron right now. I wanna spend the rest
of my life with him.

Dear Journal May 9th/ 2005

Everyday I'm thiankful for having this liffe. I have my
family back and I have an awesome boyfriend who loves me
for me. I'm absolutely happy in love. I couldn't ask for
anything else right now. I never thought I could feel
about someone like this again. Right now I know deep down
that I wanna spend the rest of my life with Cameron.
Thats who i wanna marry & be with. We balance eachother
out were opposite of one another. Thats why it works.

Dear Journal June 2nd/05

I'm the happiest girl in the world. Everything is great
between Cameron and I. I love his so much. I want to be
with him for the rest of my life. My life is absolutely
perfect. He makes me happy.
I want to marry him, have a house adopt a child and have
a benz (haha). Were so good to eachother that it works
between us. Like my mom said as long as we are happy and
treat eachother good we will be okay. He does alot for me.
i'm so thankful to have him with me, I know he spoils but
i spoil him too.
I LOVE CAMERON with my whole heart & soul.
It scares me so much cause he loves me so much that it
scares me. I believe my life is going to be beautiful. I
also believe Cameron & I are meant for one another.
Honestly I never thought I could fall in love with someone
who's absolutely wonderful. Loves me for me, I know
Cameron will love me for the rest of my life. I can't see
myself w/o him in my life. He keeps me in line and out of
trouble & I keep him out of trouble, I know at 21 years
old I'm suppose to live myself and flirt and find more of
whats out there. We're I have...Ive hooked up,met
different guys. And i've slept and dated. I haven't felt
anything. I have but i know nothing cannot some out of
this. I fell in love w/ cameron.

Dear Journal July 17th/2005

I'm in love w/ Cameron. Things are wonderful. Accept that
I kissed another guy this is HOT!!. His name is Andrew.
I've been searching for this guy. I've been wondering
about this guy. I saw him 2 times 3/3 we've tried to
hookup. I saw him thursday and damn!! he looked good.
Cameron looks no where good as Andrew. If there's
something there between us I would leave Cameron. But I
have to keep Cameron around, just as backup. I love him.
At 21 years old I know I have to live my life freely. I
don't know, I love him I dont care about the money. I dont
care about that. Things that Cameron doesnt have to know.
If things w/ Andrew & I don't work out I always have
Cameron. I dont know right now. I know my life is great, i
have a man who loves me.

Dear Journal JULY 19TH 2005

Today is my 6 months with Cameron. I don't think there
would be a 6 month with him. The night before I told him
about, well actually I talking in my sleep and i fessed up
to kidding Andrew. I told him i pecked him on the lips
minus out the whole makeout session I had with him. Anyways
i told him it didn't mean anything & I still wanna be with
him. Cameron forgave me and still trusts me. I just have
to be very careful. People are watching, there re alot of
people who know Cameron. As close as i was almost got
busted. But i'm always thinking. I love him I knw that i
can't so this to him. I won't cheat again. My life is
absolutely perfect. I have a man who loves me wants to
marry me in the near future. I know I've dont wrong made
alot of mistakes. But i'm gonna learn from it cause it i
don't. I'm gonna lose Cameron.

Dear Journal Thursday,July 28th/ 2005

Nothing much has happened lately. Except that I'm in love
with most wonderful guy in the world. Though I'm in love
with Cameron. Apart of me still feels that I should take a
break. Ive been in two serious relationships already. I
just don't know if I can handle another one. Even though
everything is perfect between Cameron & I minus a few set
backs. Its absolutely scary for me though cause I don't
want to bgo through the pain & hurt. I don't want Cameron
to go through that type of hurt. The thing is I've got
someone whose honest, trustworthy respects me & treats me
well. All the things thats hard to find in a guy. Most
guys are ASSHOLES. Cameron is not most guys he's a ginuely
a good guy. And I love him, but sometimes i wish I was
singe, I do miss it.

Dear Journal August 2nd 2005

You know what I'm happy & in love, but at the sametime I
miss my old lifestyle. I miss going out & meeting new
guys, flirting & picking and choosing who i get to date.
At the sametime I'm in love & happy. My life is absolutely
prefect. I couldn't ask for anything else right now. I
have a man who absolutely adores me, loves me to death, I
will do anything for me. But the thing is I can see myself
with him for the rest of my life. What if Cameron isn't
the one for me? And there is someone else who can be more
than what he is to me. Cameron is everything Kale is not.
Cameron is absolutely everything I'm looking for. Hes
honest, sweet , trustorthy, he treats me well & good
respects me for me. I couldn't ask for anything else. He's
done so much for me, he's willing to do things for w/ me
not asking him. He helps me out no one has ever done so
much for as much as he's done. And he's willing to do more
for me. I've never know anyone whose been as perfect as he


Dear Journal Oct 18th 2005

I'm pissed & stressed cause my mom is pissing me off. Its
all about me hanging out with Eren. Just cause she's
gotten trouble. She critizes me for who I hangout w/. Well
I don't have many friends who are girls.
I trust Eren w/ everything. I don't know why my mom is
being such a BITCH!!!!!!!!!
My mom says all these kids works. Well it's hard for cause
one the bus is like half hour to a hour wait and cabs is
expensive. It's too hard. Like last year it was murder for

Dear Journal Sun, Nov 15 2005

Yes I'm in love with Cameron. Yesterday I text Kale to see
how he was doing. I just got the msg now, and he said he
might not be coming back, he just wants to live on the
mountain and be a ski bum. I just wish I could say to him
before he leaves. I don't know, maybe apart of me still in
love with him. I threw it all away. Because I was an
idiot. I knew I had it made with him. I'm still hurting
cause of what I done. I hust him so much, I hurt myself.
Its one of the most toughest things I had to do, try to
face the fact that he and I are never get back together. I
always believed that he and I will get back together. Now
I don't think so. I runined him. I don't mean to hurt
anyone. I really didn't. I feel like to cry , I think I am
really gonna cry over this. I think the reason i'm so
upset is cause, I don't think he's forgiven me. Don't get
me wrong. I hsve it made with Cameron and i love him to
death. But... I don't know anymore, I know if anything
happened to, I would go insane. I just so unsure of myself
now, i'm looking forward to having alife with him. But i'm
just wondering if there's more out there for me.
This is gonna stress me out big time. This is not what I
wanna think about.