This is the beloved air I breathe
2007-01-22 22:17:55 (UTC)

..still don't like my emo self...and whoever said I was emo, anyway?

I feel like the past couple of weeks I have been
regressing back to some high school insecurity where I
have been looking at a group of people, and trying to make
myself fit that mold.

I mean, the reality of the situation is that I really do
resonate very much with the "emo" crowd - I think it's
probably who I am at the core, but I have spent the past
years of my life trying to tame the emotional lion that
roars within me, and to just "let loose" and turn into a
hugely emotional person all over again, that's not being
true to the journey that I've embarked on of becoming

I want to be healthy - I want to be physically healthy, I
want to be emotionally healhty. when I first started this
online journal, I wanted to have a place to express
myself - lol, the first years of my entries probably
showed my emo side way more than the last couple of years -
but I also wanted a place to work out my issues of my
faith - and grapple with questions I had about God and
this journey of faith that I've been on for what seems
like ever....but it seems that more than that this place
has become a certification of my insaity - marking every
failed "crush", or person that I was interested in, as
well as my failed marriage.

And now I sit here and look back - I look back at my
entries, I look back at the people that I was interested
in, and I cringe. I cringe and think "not another one...".

Time after time God has been showing me that now is my
time for Him and Me to get close - now is my time to
concentrate on growing in my relationship and intimacy
with Him, now is my time to really figure out who I
am....not because I like some guy and I want to like what
he likes - but because I want to like what I like. I
remember a scene from a movie so clearly - in Runaway
bride, Julia Roberts sits at a diner with plates and
plates full of eggs in front of her. One plate has
poached eggs in front of her, one plate has scrambled, one
has fried, one has eggs benedict - and someone walks into
the diner and is like "what are you doing?". She says
something along the lines of "I never actually sat down to
see what kind of eggs I liked for myself...I always ate
whatever my significant other was eating". I feel like
that's me. What kind of eggs do I like? Or more
importantly, what kind of person am I?
I've been thinking about this, as I think of how dumb I
feel for getting emotionally hung up on ANOTHER
person!!!!! I'm not saying that it's not in God's plan
for me to be with this person - I have no friggen idea
what is in God's plan, and quite frankly I'm starting to
get to the point where I'm too exhausted to try to figure
it out!

So, here is the kind of person I am - for my own records :
I like starbucks coffee
I like to pretend I'm a high brow liberal in lifestsyle (I
like cappuccino and lattes and even mochachinos....)
I like to sit at Starbucks for whole afternoons and write
and write and write - and theorize and intellectualize and
ponder the mysteries of my faith and the universe...and
sometimes I feel quite accomplished when I leave.
I want to be healthy - I like to exercize, I like to eat
organic food and I like to drink nutrition shakes. (my
room mate calls them my "liberal shakes"
I love to sing - I'm passionate about music, and I'm
passionate about being spiritually healthy, so that when i
sing, the spirit of the living God is free to flow through
me to the liseners.
I am artisitic, I'm creative, I'm emotional at times, I'm
intellectual...I love being read to, and I love reading
out loud to other people. I love romance. The cheesy
romatic stuff. I think beaches at sunset are romantic, I
think dancing in the rain on a warm summer day is
romantic, and I think that kissing in the rain is
romatic. I think that having someone call you just
to "see how you are doing" is romantic. I'm a giver - I
give and give and give, and I'm always trying to find
little ways of doing thoughtful things for the people that
mean a lot to me.

I love food! I love to cook!
I like to feel sexy, and as of late, i enjoy dressing up
and looking feminine....I even wear make up and jewlery
and boots, and all things girly...which is a shocker to
me, since previous to my marrige, I was never feminine a
day in my life.

My tastes may boarder on extravagant. I would much rather
pay more money for something quality, but I'm not afraid
to get a barain, or buy generic when it's comprable. I
like sappy girly movies, but I also really enjoy action
movies. In terms of music, what I like is always
changing - I love music that is anointed, raw and
emotional, not rehersed tin can music.

I like to have people around me who have some semblence of
an idea of who they are. I'm trying to put people around
me who are going to help me to achieve this goal of living
a healhty lifestyle.

I'm passionate about a personal and intimate relationship
with my creator, and I'm instantly drawn to other people
who feel the same way - no matter who you are, not matter
what your likes and dislikes are, if you have that raw
hunger and desire for the Mighty Lord, I have room in my
life for you.

In terms of a romatntic relationship, I'm trying to learn
not to settle. I want a man who sees me as his treasure.
His one and only - the woman he's been waiting for all of
eternity to find, and who believes that he has found it
when he looks into my eyes. I want a man who sees me and
is drawn to pray as a result of me...who wants to draw
ever so closer to his creator. I want a man who prays for
me (even now, before we have even met) and who prays for
his children that are not yet born.
In terms of the rest, I believe that I'm re-hashing old
Esentially, I just want a man who is absolutely and
totally in love with Jesus Christ! Who understands
relationship, and isn't rooted in legalism and laws. The
other stuff is negotioable. Seriously.
is that bad?