2007-01-17 11:16:05 (UTC)

Dear Sara

I thought i'd never write in this again. I started some other one on some other
website but i've stopped writing in it a long time ago. I feel like i'm writing to
myself here.
So today was the first day of classes, second semester of school. i am here in
los angeles, getting an mfa. Mark came here with me.

Today I feel like I don't know anything. Now, rationally, I know that I should
never trust how i feel when I havent slept. i didnt sleep last night, or the night
before. I slept, but just a few hours. And today was the first day of class,
which i guess just makes me nervous. And it went well. And i socialized with
people all day and it seems like people like me. and everyone goes through
their own shit. everyone has their own heartbreaks and no one is as together
as they seem.
but i am scared i don't have what it takes. i am scared i can't do what i want
to do. im scared i dont have the talent. im scared i dont have the work ethic
or the drive. im scared, well, i know, im not as intelligent as i always thought
i was. im scared i am now who i thought i was.
i feel like i dont know anything. how am i supposed to write if i dont know
anything? how can i be an authority on any sort of subject if i dont know
i dont know anything about how to talk to my family without getting angry. i
dont know how to deal with touchy issues the way maya does. i dont know
how to understand everything i SHOULD understand by now.

i was watching american idol tonight and they dwelled, far, far too long on
people getting insulted and their anguish. i didnt think it was funny anymore.
it was just kids getting their confidence crushed. and maybe the rationale is
that its a tough buisness. and if you dont have what it takes, you arent going
to make it. and yeah they are bursting bubbles and crushing egos but they
are doing it with the truth.
meira asked me on the phone the other day, if she should give her work to
this man, who says he will give her an honest opinion about if she has "it" or
not. she doesnt want to hear him say that she doesnt. I told her, its just one
man's opinion. Is it different, with writing and singing? One man's opinion? Or
is there a way of knowing? Is that why people get into multiple schools? They
have the real sort of talent you can recognize? And I dont?