This is the beloved air I breathe
2007-01-10 00:29:51 (UTC)

this crazy little thing called love

So, I've been thinking a lot about what I put in my last
entry - about how I might be falling in love with a friend
of mine. I have really been thinking about it the past
week. I've been thinking about what it is about him that
drives me so crazy, and I realized that one of the things
that attracts me sooo much to him is his amazing
dedication to the Lord, his passion and desire for the
Lord. As I have been going through this week, my feelings
about men in general have changed since I have really
started to internalize my identity in Christ. Once I was
able to get a hold of who I really am - what I am really
worth, and how much I should respect myself, I was able to
finally start to be able to interact with guys the way
that any normal or healthy female aught to be able to.
With this said - My fear is gone. There isn't this force
stronger than my will driving me towards rushing or
pushing a relationship with this person. Part of me tells
me "it's not time yet" the othter part of me says "I'm
worth being pursued, and by golly I'm going to allow
myself to be pursued". And in the back of my head,
there's the still small voice. The one that previously
echoed "quick catch him before he gets away, nobody is
ever going to love you, so if you don't figure out how to
contrive this person into falling in love with you - you
will be hopelessly lonely and single for the rest of your
life" is now echoing "if he doesn't work out - it's Ok.
God has a plan, and there's an amazing person out there
for you - someone as amazing as you are." And for the
first time in my life, I think that I actually believe
those words. I realize how much I have to offer. I
realize that I'm the kind of woman that so many men are
looking for - I have a job, and I bright future ahead of
me - I'm compassionate, understanding, I'm hopelessly
dedicated to My a way that most people wouldn't
even be able to comprehend...I know my identity in
Christ,and as a result, I don't have a pile of severe
issues and insecurities that a man will have to deal with -
I want nothing more than to be a wife and a mother, but I
also want nothing more than to serve my King - In life or
Jason (my ex husband) saw so much in me that he liked -
and he tried to keep me in a jar like a butterfly - and it
nearly killed me. In the moments right before my
metaphorical death, I made one last leap for it, and
shattered the jar to the floor, and limped to my freedom.
I have spend the last year recovering my strength from
that - and I learned a valuable experience from the whole
thing. There are many men out there who are going to be
attracted to what I have - the confidence, the purpose -
and there are selfish ones who are going to try to latch
on to me so that I can give that to them - but I need a
man who already has those things in himself. And because
i'm confident enough, because I'm secure enouth, and
because I'm at peace enough, there is no rush in waiting
for those things to happen.

This person I spoke of previously - some parts of me
really think that there could be a future between the two
of us - and then other parts of me think that maybe it's
not quite such a good idea. If he were my age, I'd not
question myself about it - but he's not. He's younger.
Which is ironic, since I have always had such a problem
with people my own age, saying that THEY were
immature...if they were immature, how is somebody younger
than them supposed to be mature enough? But then I think
that maturity isn't about a number, and that there are
plenty of 30 year olds that don't have it together.
BUT I don't want to push growth or maturity on him.
That's what I did in the past. I would get emotionally
involved in a person and say "ok, in order to be with me,
you have to have this, this this and that...."...that's
not fair to me OR to him.
So that's where the waiting comes in. I wait on God's
perfect timing. If I'm as in tune with the voice of God
as I think I am (lol...that's an arrogant statement to
make, huh?) then I just wait, and trust that it's possible
this is something He has for me...but I know it's not
yet. I wait and see if this person makes the steps
towards the level of emotional maturity to meet me where
I'm at....which would be a huge credit to him - cause that
would mean that he's extreemly mature for his age...or I
wait and see if God has someone else for me.

The reality of the situation is that I'm in no rush. I'm
starting to understand the beauty of being single. I want
to be in an intimate relationship, but right now, it's
best the way it is, because I am moving closer to God, and
I want to make sure that I have gotten this down BEFORE I
begin a relationship with someone. I will not be able to
have that relationship effectively if I have not MATURED
MYSELF in that area....

So I'm here. Happy. Thankful for the friendship that
this person and I have - it's the oddest thing. That
underlying compulsion - that drive of insecurity isn't
there...and it's the most liberating thing I've EVER

My chains have been broken, thank you Jesus...!

I write so honestly on this journal, cause I know that
nobody reads this. This is the one where I'm so naked
with myself. On my myspace, I share other aspects of

Chris - if you are reading this, you better damn well tell
me, cause I want to know that you have found I will probably know if you've found
this, cause you'll just stop talking to me, cause you'll
be scared and emberassed. Which would be horrible. But I
guess that would mean that we really aren't supposed to
date each other to begin with.::sigh::...I suppose this
journal is proof that I really am EMO....:P