Nasethray

Book of Dreams
2007-01-05 02:29:51 (UTC)

inner conflict

hi diary, it's been a while, as always. i dont' write much
anymore because i have friends i can talk to now..about
anything really. i don't have anything to hide anymore from
everyone.
but i need to write now. i wanted to yesterday too but it's
a pain getting this open _.
i'm just like...really miserable. there is so much happening
to me recently. and now i'm having to face this whole geodon
thing, and my stupid psych that's fucking around with my
body and my brain. i'm like an experiment to him. i doubt
anybody knows exactly what to do about me, but isn't there
somebody who will come close? i don't think what i
experience is complicated..it's easy to explain. it's hard
for people to grasp psychic stuff though unless it happens
to them. i don't know if this is a chemical imbalance
anymore, i think the depression part is, but i don't think
the "PSYCHOSIS" is. i think i'm extrasensory..and have the
ability/curse to sense the spirits and their energies and
emotions. all of these medical people are telling me stuff
is wrong with me and i think it got to me for a while. if
someone tells you something over and over it just sinks in.
it made me question what's really going on with me. i think
i wanted to try another method of getting out of this
situation, in hopes of change. but now that i've tried that
for 3 years, and nothing has happened that is positive, i'm
done with that method. i'm going to try a different one.
i'll try anything now, i'm desperate to get these spirits to
leave me alone. they scare the shit out of me (luckily that
hasn't happened yet) but i almost peed myself cuz i couldnt'
move from my chair for a few hours cuz something was
stroking my foot. i felt like the spirit in my brother's
apartment was crawling on the ground, cuz the energy was
focused on the ground as it moved around. i'd say it was a
child (still crawling) but i don't think any child that
young could hold that strong of an emotion, it was angry.
basically this stuff is ruling my life now. i live from day
to day knowing i'm going to be scared sometime within the
next 24 hours. i try to live normally but then something
happens and it's like nooooooooo not again....and
again...and again...and again... i'm especially embarassed
when it happens around my friends. it's like COME ON SPIRIT
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO COME NOW, COME BACK WHEN I'M HOME OR
SOMETHING _, JUST NOT AROUND OTHER PEOPLE. and it doesn't
matter who i'm with either, i still sense that spirit and it
still messes around with me, it doesn't care if someone else
is there. it's probably just like "lauren help me ( NOW!".
i'm extremely careful with who i tell this stuff to because
it's so freakin outlandish..most people won't understand or
believe it. i don't want people to think i'm making this up,
cuz i'm NOT. why would i make something up like this to make
myself suffer this way??? in one of the counseling sessions
my brother asked my mom in front of me "do you ever think
lauren is maknig this up?" i was outraged! i confronted him
about it later and told him i couldnt' believe he said that.
WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO MYSELF????? :'(. how could anyone
think that?! i have hurt myself before, but i would never do
ANYTHING this extreme. i just can't believe anyoen ewould
think that. because it's so real to me, andt hey have no
idea how real it is, because it's really happening to me,
but not to them, so they don't know what it's really like.

i'm especially nervous about weaning off of the geodon. i
will confront my psych tomorrow. i talked to him on the
phone today for like 1.5 minutes and told him that i was
very upset and that i'm sick of the meds causing me problems
. i don't remember if i blamed him for it, but i will
tomorrow anyway. i wonder how bad he's gonna feel after i
bitch him down. well it's worth it, cuz he made me feel like
complete dirt for quite a while.

WHY DID THAT BLOODY BITCH TRY TO DEBALL ME?!?! Sweet DL
pantsed her and tackled her to the ground but she actually
managed to bondage me up, which dear Nathaniel got me out
of. Why would she try to put all of us in danger when we
have done nothing wrong to her? I had never even met her
before that happened! Supposively she drugged me up and
dragged me onto the Oprah show (might I ask who that is??)
and that location is where the sum of this happened. -sighs-
I cannot remember what else she had done to poor Nathaniel
and my DL because I was drugged so much. Luckily she fell
off of the side of the Chamber of Sages..to a place I do not
know for certain. But I do have the feeling that she will be
back...........sadly. I did not deserve any of that. I was
going about my own business in my haven of a room. My room
IS my safe haven, and she dragged me out of there to do that
bloody shit. Ridiculous. She might as well stick a million
pansies up her ass to the point where she will not be able
to walk. At least it is all over. Good eve.

i can't even remember exactly what happened besides nathan's
experience. i know nate was called on a stage at the oprah
show and he was extremely nervous in front of that crowd,
and she'd ask him questions and whenever he tried answering
them she'd interrupt and say something cruel to demine him.
Then DL was called on stage too (somehow sara got them all
there _) and he was like HIIII :D. and then she was like
"i have something to show you!!" something like taht that's
not exact. i can't remember this _. i think i was so
overwhelmed with emotion and upset cuz i was completely
forced into the situation that i blocked out some stuff that
happened. and then she showed nathan bondaged up to some
thing and all drugged up and DL was like ( !!!! NOOOOO! and
then she said that nathan was deballed and DL was outraged
and started attacking sara (at least what his form of
attacking is) and distracted sara nonintentionally so nate
went over and started tinkering with the bondagey stuff and
got it all off and nathan was ok enough to stand but was
wobbling around so nate had to hold him still. they didn't
deserve any of that.. i feel like i left some things out but
i really can't remember. oh and that place nathan was
talking about, in revenge (i was pissed beyond belief) i had
sara drop down to "oblivion" where the walls were filled
with needles and if you stood still for 5 minutes they'd
start flying out of the walls at you. however, i did provide
a guide in there to lead her out, so it's not THAT
heartless. and you know...nate, nathan, and DL. they
wouldn't hurt somebody that they don't know enough to kill
them. plus none of them have magic abilities and had no
weapons so it would be hard to do that anyway. the best DL
could do was bite her _. nathaniel just tried to stay away
from being violent and tried to help the situation in a more
peaceful way...and nathan was helpless. it has to be
horrible to see your love all chained up and helpless and
drugged up and then hear that they've been operated on and
shit without you knowing, especially somewhere like that
o_o. plus nathan is nate's brother(adopted), but nate gets
pretty close to people so he'd be upset too, especially at
the fact that he knew nathan didn't do anythign wrong.
it was so much more terrifying and angering at the time than
me trying to write it out now, cuz i was actually
experiencing it then, and now i'm just tryign to recall
exactly what happened but it's pretty much a fogstorm. i
can't really explain now why it was so horrible besides the
fact that i considered them all being tortured emotionally.
they didn't do anything wrong to sara....that shouldn't have
had to happen to them. the majority of my characters are
good people...i wouldn't care if somebody tried to kill
death. i think i'd care about dark though, but it wouldn't
be as bad as somebody messing around with nate, nate is like
the most innocent of everyone i have, the last person to be
chosen as a victim of anything.
i just don't know if she knew what she was doing or not. cuz
i asked her why she did it several times and it was always a
"*sob* I DON'T KNOW!!". whether she knew what she was doing
or not, i'm still mad that that happened to them. way worse
things could have happened, but if something worse happened
they would have fought back like there was no tomorrow. so
it's like they were pretty helpless in this situation,
trapped. nate doesn't have transportation powers in the
human world, so he couldn't have gotten them out of there,
and he certainly didn't have any portal rings with him. i
don't know i can't explain it to the tee of how it hurt me.
it's just they mean everything to me..and when something
happesn to them that they don't deserve........it's just
like me or kathryn. it's just WRONG. and for me to try to
escape through them, and have the same thing happen to them,
it's like there is no escape from it.. :(. i don't know, it
had a very profound impact on me, it probably sounds like a
lame thing to get mad about but i can't explain all the
things it made me think and feel, and how much they mean to
me....and my escape. first of all i was forced into the
situation, i kept telling her no no no don't wanna rp and
she persisted. oh i knew i left something out. she wanted to
know if nathan was a sperm donor or not. and DL told her
that he thought he was, and then she goes and like tries to
deball him. originally she said she did, but i pretended it
didn't happen and avoided that idea. but that's like robbing
him of something too, you know? i feel like i've left so
much out..
ok this is like enough to write for tonight. i need to do my
homework :(. plus i think the impact of all of my stress
made the situation feel even worse. cuz it's like..you
know..i'm going to talk to a really good friend and try to
feel better, and i get like shut down along with the people
who are really close to my heart. i feel like i didn't
deserve that either. she could've asked nathan in a peaceful
way..but she decided to do it the harsh way. i just think
it's a bad decision on her part, especially when she knows
they are pretty much my ultimate weakness. you'd think she'd
consider that...???
ok i'm going now _ maybe i'll write later again. see ya
diary..sorry i've been neglecting you,...and writing out my
feelings. i need to do my energy exercise too i haven't done
that in 2 days. i need to be continuous if i want to build
my energy's strength...after the homework i will do it.
bye bye :).




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