Nick's Journal
2007-01-04 23:14:23 (UTC)

You're my girl Rachel Ray

well i have somewhere in the realm of 12 to 24 hours until
my first semester grades come out.
i'm a complete basketcase.
why oh why, must it take so long for them to grade? why do
they taunt us with the notion that we could possibly get our
grades before New Year's?
sigh, they do, for whatever wanton reason they may have.
me? well i'm just sitting here on my futon watching my fat
rat sleep in his cage (the lady who took care of him during
the break, underook the task of giving me a rat version of
willard scott back...bitch) and rachel ray.
did you know that she has a talk show? jesus christ!
didn't this not work with emeril? no, that was one notch
worse, that was actually a sitcom or something. but that
aside, who on earth thought it a good idea to give rachel
ray her own talkshow? what does that say to people who
have built their careers on being talkshow hosts? isn't
that just the ultimate slap in the face to whatever
integrity you may glean from asserting that there are
certain "attributes" you need to be a successful talkshow
host, like, hm, for example, actually paying attention to
your guests. that's what always killed me about the (now
cancelled) tony danza talkshow. that son of a bitch would
ask a question, completely zone the fuck out and burst out
on a whim on some inane declarative point.
but rachel ray is more along the lines of Ellen (who i enjoy
watching very much)...she does the type of talkshow, where
there isn't much sitting anymore, but a fuck load of doing.
you know what i mean?
see first she descends(i'm not kidding) from an elevator on
her audience (i don't know if this was a one-time deal or if
it's every show). then she preteneds to actually like her
audience members. then she starts rambling. which funny,
because you can see some of the leftover (no pun intended)
food network star in her. she always seems hopelessly
absent-minded and constantly grinning for some stupid reason.
now don't get me wrong. if i wasn't married, i'd stick my
loaf of bread in rachel's oven, but i can see her getting
insanely annoying after a while.
on this line, i want to talk about her other show, $40 a
day. a great show about how she goes to different cities
and eats for $40 a day.
now first of all, eating for $40 is a lot! damn, you know
how much taco bell that would get you?
anyway, i thought it would be funny if you meshed this with
a chronic alcoholic. he wakes up in a new city every
episode and then miraculously has $40 in his pocket. only
by the end of the day, he's too fucked up to know what he's
doing, is getting kicked out of bars, and eventually ends up
blowing about $500 by paying someone who promises to
wallpaper his whole house in garfield comics.
i'd make a great network executive.
or the "dysfunctional couple" cooking show. just put
together a couple who is dysfunctional and on the verge of
breaking up and have them cook an elaborate meal.
"did you put the asparagus in the oven?"
"fuck you."
"god damn it bitch! when i tell you to do something, you do
"yeah, well i'd make you boil the spaghetti, but i'm too
afraid you'd fuck it! you cheating, son of a whore!"
awesome show.

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