This is the beloved air I breathe
2007-01-04 15:50:56 (UTC)

There is Always enough

So, I'm in this wierd place right now. I've heard that
you are in the will of God, things should never be
difficult or feel impossible, because if you are in God's
will, then you should have the grace given to you for that

well, this past week has definately been a test of that. I
have started this new job working one on one with a special
needs she's very high
maintenence (lol...not unlike most women her age...) but
thing about it is that it totally stretches me. It takes
all that I am, and pushes my patience, and the agape love
and gentleness that God has placed in my heart. I recently
spoke to someone who said that "before God gave me a love
for people, I'd have no idea what i was going to do with my
life"...I think that's an accurate statement. When it
to things like my job, I think that I have a supernatural
type of agape love for people -- but there are always
situations that REAALLY push that to the edge. Yesterday I
thought I was having one of those ended with my
student peeing her pants while sitting in a computer
chair...(and I didn't know it) when she got up, I sat down
in her chair to use the computer for something, and I sat
her lovely puddle of pee! Needless to say, I was not
thrilled about the situation. BUT after work, I went to
Chiropracter, and I always feel good after i come from
there..and then I went to bible study. I sat there in
study absolutely full of energy and excitement, and I
declared with an almost obnoxious giddiness "you know that
you are in the correct job when you have a terrible day,
you come out of it more energized and fulfilled then when
you began".
My job is stressful. It's exhausting. I is absolutely
demanding, and it requires all emotion...but it's also
exhilerating (sp?). I'm doing what it is that I was
to do - I'm fulfilling my God-given purpose, and I know
that, so when I go home at the end of the day, I feel
accomplished, healthy, even. Not like I used to when I was
working at the casino. I felt like a waif, just exsiting
from one minute to the next - waiting for each hour to
waiting for each day to go by, waiting for the next
or paycheck...that's no way to live.

But there is another thing to. I have been single now for
eight months. I dated one guy for like a month a little
while ago...that didn't quite work out - I wasn't waiting
God's perfect timing. But now I'm learning about waiting
God, and I'm practicing it, and I have developed
with some of the people around me, and I'm starting to
really like one of the people that I'm getting to know. I
want so desperately to be in the will of God, because I
that In God's will is the only pace I want to be...but I'm
scared now. I'm really starting to fall for this person -
someone who has the same craving for absolute intimacy with
God - someone who is not perfect, but has a raw desire for
the will of God to be done in his life, and someone who
wants purity in his life as desperately as I do...
but I have made myself a solemn vow. That I am not going
pursue a man. That if it's God, the man will pursue me.
First off, can I tell you how hard that is? This waiting
thing is the hardest thing in the world. It's actually a
little bit easier to wait on a man who is abstract
"somewhere out there is a man for me". But when there is a
man standing in front of me, and I have to look at him and
say "Ok God, I trust you, if He's right for me, then you
will put me on his heart too"...It's hard.

Looking back, I see now that I have always had unhealthy
relationships. Now I have been so focused on getting
healhty - physically, emotionally, spiritually...and now
relationally. How do I have healthy friendships with guys?
Is the fact that I'm totally falling for this guy a
sign that I'm not healthy yet? Is it a sign of my still
exsiting needyness? Or does it not matter...maybe what
matters more is what I do with the feelings I have - how I
react to them. Part of me wants to withdraw from the
friendship all together to keep from getting hurt - but
that's just as unhealthy as rushing headfirst into the
friendship and PUSHING... (like I did with my ex
boyfriend) I try, and I pray for self control - I am
going to go on as if I were not falling in love - I will be
a friend, and I will not push things, and I will try
desperately to wait on God, and I choose today to say "God,
I know that you are a good God, so therefore I trust you.
Therefore I say that I believe that you are going to
my needs. God send into my life the healthy people. Thank
you for friends that are brining me closer to you - thank
you for friends that are challenging me in my relationship
with you. I love you Lord, I need you despearately Lord.

---if this is who God has for me...I will wait for him as
long as I need to. I want only and completely to be in
God's will. Plus, I don't think it's time yet. It's not
time for me to be in a relationship yet. So, I don't know
why this is happening...but I simply seek His face and
wait on Him...