lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2006-12-14 09:45:10 (UTC)

the poet sings

2:17AM Thursday morning

Today ended up being a pretty well day considering how
it started out and how I've been for the last two days. It
was really hard on Ter because I slept for almost a day and
a half and she was alone with her thoughts, something she
hates. She visited Pab and Mary's place but said they were
both miserable, Mary saying that if she had a gun, she
would blow her head off because she was unable to sleep for
days, probably from all the caffeine she gets from
overdosing on Tylonal all the time. She takes is to calm
her pain but also because she used to smoke crack and needs
something in her blood all the time to at least feel a
little high. Ter gave her a couple of Seraquel and left,
her saying, 'That's it', not knowing that it's a
tranquelizer, way stronger then tylonal.

In the morning Ter had to basically drag me off of the
couch where I was sleeping on to go see our psychiatrist,
thinking that we would be late but we ended up getting
there just on time to a handful of people that also had
appointments because his secretary over booked and didn't
show up. It was odd, when he came out of his office he
went strait to us, even though there was a man that had
been waiting there for a long time, so we let him go first,
understanding that it would have been rude to go before him
only because the doctor has some soft part in his heart for
us.

It was a regular appointment, he was concerned about
Ter, commenting that she looked a lot worse then the last
time he saw her, the day he tried to take off her bra. I'm
not sure if he took offense that I wanted to be in the room
but I also needed a prescription called in, so everything
seemed cool. He took her off Fluvox, an anti-depressant
that he put us both on that gave us terrible nightmares and
a rotting feeling in our stomakes and said that was a rare
side effect that normally wears off the first week but for
us it just got worse and worse. I had already been pulled
off of it by my MD and put back on Zoloft that I already
feel working well with my system.

I was on it for a really long time, maybe too large of
a dose because I'm not getting the side effects that I had
while on it before, which was shaking hands and sweating.
Hopefully it doesn't happen again but I feel 100% better,
either then the pain in my back and arm.

He mentioned that Fluvox had to be taken with a full
stomake which is pretty hard to do when your on disability
that pays you under three dollars a day. It's amazing that
people survive, let alone have a full stomake at any given
time. Rather then put her on Zoloft, something he's
intending to do, he first wants to clear her body of the
Fluvox, prescribing her a stomake aid and too see how she
feels in a week. I think it's the right thing to do
because I've tried all types of meds and Zoloft is the only
one that even slightly worked with my depression.
Hopefully it will work because she is really depressed, not
as self destructive, like how she cut herself before but
was in a terrible mood the walk there and back, we were on
the verge of fighting or at least it felt that way to me so
I tried not to provoke one.

Our check didn't come and I was in terrible pain so I
laid back on the couch where I again fell asleep, waking up
to Mary, thinking I was dreaming because she never leaves
her house and she looked so healthy. It wasn't a dream,
Ter went over to there place to see if she could get
anything for my pain and brought Mary and her kids because
she was buying some shoes from a friend of ours that lives
in the building who has left over stock from a store she
used to run. It was a head shop selling bongs, other
smoking supplies and stripper clothing that she sold to a
wealthy man who took it over.

I phoned my mom when they were upstairs and she had
Christmas money to give me which was perfect timing because
we were broke and had no food or smokes. I biked to the
pharmacy to pick up our meds and some food, toothpaste,
condoms and other things we were out of, got some Tylonal
from Pab and came home. Ter was in a really good mood and
I was so happy to see her back to her normal self. She had
all the right to be bitchy, me sleeping constantly,
everyone in a bad mood and she just had her period but at
least she's in bed sleeping, hopefully having good dreams.
She really wanted me to sleep with her but I have a lot on
my mind that I feel like writing about and she looks so
tired, I think if I layed with her, I would keep her awake
or we would have sex and unfortunately I don't think I can
right now, my back is killing me.

During our walk, even though she was bitchy, I learned
a lot about what I am to her and why she doesn't want to go
home for two weeks and how much she actually loves me. I
guess it's just my paranoia but it was getting to the point
that I didn't think she wanted to be here with me any more
and that a visit home would be the best thing, so that she
could get a taste of her old life again and decide which
path she would take from there. She said that going back
there would drive her crazy and I understand it more then
ever and wish that she had talked to me about it the way
she did today when I mentioned her going home for a while.
It has nothing to do with me having time alone, I hope
that's not what she thinks, I barley talk to my friends,
there all working or going to school and are afraid of the
area that we live in.

Me and her did another song together, this time she
did a full verse rather then just singing and for her first
song, it's amazing. It sounds like she's been doing songs
for years and let out tons of emotions in her voice that I
can really see her excelling as an artist. It's not just
because she's my girlfriend, she asked me if she could do a
song with me and a lot of people wouldn't even want too,
thinking that they would do a bad job and ruin the song,
where she only made it better. I'm extremely impressed and
want to hear more of her on songs because she has always
been a great poet, one of the main things that attracted me
to her in the first place. Even when she writes the
simplest topic it's always beautiful and that's something
that has been missing in hip-hop, plus she's learning how
to play the guitar and if she gets good enough to play live
that would be a great addition to my show, which is
something I've been slacking out on, only because the drugs
that I'm on for depression and sleep screw with my memory
and messing up at shows is one of the worst feelings even
though people watching are usually drunk and can't hear
what your saying in the first place.

Making music is like a drug to me and finishing a song
that I'm proud of is like a high and lasts quite a long
time, especially with all the good feedback I've been
getting over the years, an album just released and another
on the go that's moving along way faster then I predicted.
I just wish I had the funds to promote it or at least press
enough to send to labels so that I could get more exposure
because I've really found myself and I think I'm at that
stage where I should be doing a lot of shows and at least
have my album in stores. Knowone will want to interview
you or play your stuff on the radio if you don't have
enough albums to give away and I have under ten left out of
what my father pressed for me.

I'm going to take my pills and read until I feel tired
which usually doesn't take too long with the Serequel and
crawl in bed with my everything. I fall more in love with
her every day and I hope she feels the same way about me.
We both suffer with manic depression so it's hard some days
but when our good moods connect where one.

gonna listen to some music untill I pas out
goodnite
lee





Ad: