tbqb12

my stupid mouth
2006-12-14 02:29:04 (UTC)

it may be quite simple

why is it that i can write word after word, paragraph
after paragraph in here, but i cannot seem to work on my
paper that's due on saturday? writing under the pressure
of deadlines...and especially academic writing...is
completely different from the stream of consciousness-
esque writing that i do here. i always thought i was
better at writing academically, like research papers, than
writing anything opinion-based. and i guess i am better
at it, whatever "better" may mean, but that still does not
mean that i am motivated to do it.

so here i am procrastinating. i haven't been the total
antithesis of productive. i have studied so much for my
differential equations exam on friday that all i should
have to do tomorrow is a basic review and make my "cheat
sheets." the professor is letting us bring two sheets of
paper...which is really four if you think about it. i'd
probably die of nervousness and then proceed to fail if we
couldn't bring those. anyway, i feel like i can't start
writing my paper till that exam is over. one thing at a
time has been my motto this week. the paper is
ridiculous. it's for my autobiographical writing class
except it's not autobiographical; it's a critical review
of a book we read this semester. i don't even know
exactly what he means by "critical review." and, to make
it a bazillion times worse, we have to use four
sources...as if i have time to read three other books or
articles.

oh right, and today was the last day of classes, and since
i have so many extra credits, i will technically be a
senior when i come back next semester. craziness...

switching gears, i have made the decision to become
recommitted to my relationship with matt. now, i realize
this may sound crazy since we've only been dating for 5
months, but i think it's something i really need to do.
the past few weeks, even maybe the past month or so, i
have been falling into a trap of taking this whole thing
for granted. in the beginning, it was so abnormal for me
to have a boyfriend that i was so excited to be the
perfect girlfriend. but since it's become more normal
now, i've gotten used to it, and basically, i've been
slacking. i'd say it's more emotional slacking than
anything else. sure, i still do things like cook him
dinner and send him cards and stuff, but those things are
just on the surface. i haven't been understanding enough,
and i just have not been putting in enough effort. there
are times when i feel that i've been downright mean. and
he tells me not to solely blame myself for this, but i
always feel like, when he says that, there's something in
his voice...or maybe it's just in my head...that leads me
to believe otherwise. so from now on, i am resolving to
put in more effort and be willing to sacrifice and really,
honestly try to make him happy instead of looking out for
me so much. i finally have what i've always wanted, and
this is not the time to act selfishly.




Ad: