Mrs_Goodbar28

Lyrics of a Soul
2006-12-14 00:37:35 (UTC)

I Am Jack's Inflamed Sense of Rejection

Life is a constant stream of things that come to pass,
whether we grap them or not. With that said, lately I've
fallen into this slump of eternal unhappiness. It feels,
once again, like I will never know what it means to
recieve romantic love. And I can't let go of tha worst
person thas ever happened to me: the Romantic Mishap. I
don't know whut it is, maybe I'm psychotic or something,
but I can't get over it. He's married, "we" are officially
over, no chance of reconciling. And even if his marriage
were to fail, I'm sure I'd probly be too scorned to give
it ANOTHER try. So then why is this daunting me, dwelling
in my mind everyday when I think about the bleak
unsatisfactory state of my so-called love life. It's as if
he died and I'm mourning him. But rather, I've been
mourning our relationship. I cut myself off from him on
Facebook hoping he'll get tha hint that it's just too
painful to see him all smiling and happy without me. I
realized, I can't be his friend. Things were just too deep
(for me at least) and him marrying someone within weeks of
getting my hopes up about "us" was pretty dramatic. So
it's taking a while to get through. I know it won't always
be like this, I know there is a much better match for me
walking around, wondering about me too. And when I find
him, our connection will be so powerful, I won't suffer
from this failed relationship. I just hope he comes soon!
I need to fill that void.

In other news, I spent the day this weekend with my sis.
We had a cool time as usual and I really got a chance to
get her opinion about our family dynamics, with her mother
and all. I asked her what she thought about Jay not
dancing with her mother (our stepmother) at his wedding,
since it would be the opposite situation for her and my
dad (her stepfather). She answered very intelligently,
that she understood why Jay didn't dance with her mother
and agreed she's a bit overly sensitive. I love that her
mother wasn't successful in driving us apart. And I'm even
more thrilled that my little seems to be a lot more mature
than many of her family member, namely her mother and her
mother's siblings. Hopefully I can be to her the big
sister I always wished for.

This week, work has been cool and a bit demanding. We got
a new guy and he's a bit annoying. He's one of those
people who try to get too personal too fast, rather than
let things develop at their own pace. On his first day, he
was already asking me if I was married...good thing my
break time was up so I could leave without really
answering that. But he's too talkative for my taste and he
takes the same train home, so I was happy my supervisor
sent him home before me so I wouldn't have to hear him
blab all tha ride home.

Anyway, I wanted to skip town for New Year's, but that
doesn't look likely. I wanted to visit Karan in Vegas, but
flights are so expensive. I might look into taking a
train. I was also considerig a trip to Atlanta, that way
I'd get to see J.R. and we'd have a hotel room all to
ourselves! I hate to feel like I'm using him, but that is
how it feels since I can't really see us getting married.
Still, he goes along with it, so I don't feel so bad. And
he talks as if he's leaving his options open, even though
his brother made it clear he wants to settle down with me.
He's always saying it, hypothetically of course.

Well, we'll see what happens, in the meantime, I'm
shopping for my sibs, nephew and maybe my parents. We'll
see what the budget will allow. Hopefully everyone will be
able to see my little baby nephew this time, if his mother
doesn't continue to act like a nuisance. Until next time:
Live. Love. Life.




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