Landslide

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2006-12-09 17:47:47 (UTC)

The Cold Turkey Method

i seem to be a little better composed today as i figured I
would be. i'm still miserable though. I don't see how I
can live without him as horrible as that sounds. He's in
my every waking thought, he's my every temptation. I just
want to call him, or really contact him in any way.
Knowing that he doesn't want me to and probably isn't
thinking of me at all hurts. I wonder if he reads this.
I keep finding things of his, and I want to take them to
him. I took the gloves yesterday, but it wasn't good. I
should've just left them and let him get him on his own.
I wanted to see him, but its impossible to see him because
i can't have him. He doesn't want me. Okay... maybe I'm
not composed. What a goose:( I'm disappointed in
myself. I am learning slowly but surely that I should not
love anything. (Here by love i mean even like you love a
friend.) I just get screwed over. Now, in my rational
mind I know that he's doing the only thing he can see as
right by me, but i'm dying...or I feel like it. People
tease about him cause they don't know and I just want to
hide. Everyone thinks I'm a fool, and I am. I know that
I have to try to leave him utterly alone...more than
try... it has to be done. To beg him not to estrange me
would only make him hate me more. It kills me to think
that he hates me sometimes...I mean I hate him at times,
but its only cause I love him soo much and he can't
reciprocate it, but his hatred for me stems from the
horrible jealousy that I harbor for anything else he
loves. I think that I put up with more than almost any
other woman could have in that area and then it would just
get the better of me. When commitment is there, I am not
jealous at all, because I know I have him, but I haven't
enjoyed that status in two years. People think I'm crazy,
and now I am. But I screwed myself over... I told him it
would be this way and he assured me it would be okay, that
I should be honest. Now I've lost the best thing in my
life. The only thing that made it okay when everything
else crashed around me. I may have lost him forever, but
I can't even reconcile myself to think that way. I can't
imagine my life without him cause I know that we were made
for each other, but here it is. My life without him. Its
all my fault. Right now i feel like I would give anything
to take back all of the honest statements I've made over
the past two months and just keep smiling at him when he
dated other girls and accept my place in the backseat of
his life. Now I'm kicked out of the car entirely. I
don't get the privilage of being part of this part of his
life because I keep him from having one. I'll wait
forever... I may try to date, but my heart isn't in it.
He will probably find someone great, and I'll spend the
rest of my life alone, but I can't see myself giving my
heart to anyone else. Come on, Cassie, pull yourself
together! Life is still possible. I had fun last night,
but the whole time I kept looking at my phone hoping he
would call. He won't call anymore. He's the only one
that ever did besides my mother. Damnit all! I need
someone to talk to, but he's the only one I can talk to
about things for real. So I guess that's why i'm ranting
here where my friends won't read it. They don't really
know yet... and their sympathy or chiding and statements
of encouragement will just make me sick. I don't feel
like eating. I just want to sleep cause then I don't feel
and I can see him in my dreams cause i can't in reality...
listen to me... its only been one day...what am I going to
do. I can't even be his friend.


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