lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2006-12-08 22:37:22 (UTC)

the lost athlete dreamer

2:34PM Friday Afternoon

Today started like any other day I’ve been having for
the last month, waking up to yet another nightmare after
nightmare, body dehydrated, the smell of sweat out soap in
the air, alone, shivering in pain. I just had to beg Pab
for some Tylenol to stop the pain in my back, the stinging
sensation in my left arm and legs that feel like Jello
stilts holding up my bones and flesh.

I cant quite remember how many times I went from
sleeping on the couch to the bed, back and fourth, thinking
that it would somehow effect the amount of nightmares I’ve
been having or the sweat that leaks out of my pours like an
athlete dreamer. Ter looked so sad when I finally got out
of bed, she was typing something on the computer that I
didn't read but felt it was about her own pain, either
mentally or physical because when she's like that she
doesn't write in paragraph form, just words after words.

I decided to get things done today, picking up
prescriptions from three different pharmacies because they
cant transfer them all too one because there so-called
narcotics, even though my doctor insists they arnt, either
then the Seragual that actually helps me sleep and numbs
the memories and present mental pain that plagues me like a
disease.

On the way to pick up Clonazapam, that helps with
anxiety, Ter came with me but told me that she herd that
bass, the same I feel and hear at times that's in your head
and doesn't go away without Seraqual. She isn't on any
type of anti-sikotic, maybe because of her age, I wasn't
given anything of the sort until my suicide attempt, where
they wanted me on Effexor and/or Respiradol, that I've herd
bad things about, so I was sent back out into the wild
world with nothing until I asked my doctor if I could
perhaps be put on Seraquel, a drug that most Bi-Poler
people are on that state it works and it does.

It's hard to figure out what drug is bringing out the
bad dreams that most of the time feel worse then reality.
Ter is also having terrible dreams so I think that it's the
fluvox, not the Seraquel but whatever it is, I'm going to
mention it at the next meeting because it's really hard on
my brain and body, lacking real deep sleep that I need.

I realized that Ter was upset and I reacted in the
wrong way only because for the last week or so she's been
so down and I have no idea how to be that boyfriend who
helps in situations like that because I myself am dealing
with such similar problems. I shove them under a rug that
is most likely the wrong thing to do but it saves me from
hurting myself and at times I feel so much like a bad actor
playing a role of some sort, like, I'm better, don't worry
about me...

On our way to the pharmacy I said something along the
lines of,

'lets all be sad, it's sad day', which I'll completely
admit that was the wrong thing to say.

I got one of my prescriptions and as we were on the
way to pick up another Ter said something in defense that
she wasn't just sad and that she was hearing the bass
sound, the same that I do at times, when I usually take my
pills to stop it and she began to walk really fast in front
of me. I always walk fast so she was basically speed
walking. I never handle it well when a girlfriend of mine
is being rebellious in any sort of way and just kept
walking my normal pace, which is fast.

When she turned around to see how far back I was she
layed down on a snow bank, waiting for me and I lost it. I
don't really remember what I said but it was mean and I
regret it. I don't know what to do, I'm lost in my own
thoughts. Should I try and make things up with her, I
never want to loose her as a friend, I've somewhat
abandoned my music, myself and all I want out of life from
now on is to feel OK, to be able to breath. I don't want
to depend on drugs and the last thing I want is to see her
become self destructive like Ang became, maybe it is in her
best interest to go home for the holidays and wait until I
have a better grasp on myself, at this moment I don't even
know who I am anymore.

When I finally got home from my long walk, she wasn't
in the hallway where I thought she might have been, at my
mothers or anywhere. I thought of terrible things she
could have done to herself and took a bath to calm the pain
in my back. As the water began to run I burst out crying
almost as if someone stole the rug that my thoughts where
being thrown under and couldn't control myself. I knew I
was going to cry eventually, just not at that moment, when
the phone rang, thinking it might be Ter, it was my
mother...

Right away, she could tell that something was wrong
with me, I guess by the sound of my voice. I asked her to
phone Pab and see if he could lend me some pain killers so
that I could at least stop the physical pain and deal with
the mental by crying. Pab said no, so I phoned him and
basically begged him too, him telling me that Ter was there
and eventually he said yes, so with my blood shot eyes and
awkward thoughts I walked to his home.

Me and Ter made up somewhat, right now she's sleeping,
I hope that she didn't take any of my meds but maybe a good
sleep will help her from hearing that bass sound that I
understand way too much. It's one of the first signs that
your Bi-poler/Manic Depressive and after that comes the
real voices, that's when life becomes scary.

Her family wants her home for the holidays and I think
that would be a positive thing for her to do but she
doesn't want to go and I can't force her. Rather, she'd
stay here with me when I have way too many problems of my
own to presently deal with. I don't think I make a good
boyfriend or even a good friend at this point and all I
want right now is solitude away from everyone and
everything. I'm lost...

lee


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