nin137

Nick's Journal
2006-12-06 19:37:18 (UTC)

I have a new idea for a wrestler: The Lawyer!

to be honest with you i really don't know how the WWE has
not come out with the Lawyer (or maybe they have and i'm
just not aware of it). although i don't watch wrestling
anymore, i watched it in the glory days when the macho man
was around, the undertaker was still cool, and i just
remember Wrestlemania IX being one of the biggest events of
my formative years.
during that time i distincly remember IRS, the million
dollar man, papa schango, and all of these other
stereotypes, yet for some reason they never had "THE
LAWYER!!!". here is how my idea would play out.
he would wear a suit and always have a gin and tonic with
him as a prop. and of course, no wrestler would be complete
without a trademark way of threatening his opponents, The
Lawyer would threaten his opponents by stating the precise
legal elements for each of the criminal acts he will put his
opponent through.
For example, let's say The Lawyer is threatening to slam his
opponent with a steal chair, he would say:
AND THEN, MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT...I WILL PICK UP A STEEL
CHAIR, PUT YOU IN IMMINENT APPREHENSION OF HARMFUL BODILY
CONTACT. THEN, ONCE YOU HAVE BEEN PLACED IN SUCH
APPREHENSION, I WILL STRIDE AGGRESSIVELY TOWARDS YOU AND
MAKE SUCH HARMFUL BODILY CONTACT IN HOPES OF RESULTING IN
SERIOUS BODILY INJURY!!!
see this could lead to some phenomenal threats, the hilarity
of which would know no bounds. say for example the following:
LAWYER, CAN YOU TELL US WHAT HAPPEN TO THE UNDERTAKER?
AHAHAHAHA! WELL, LAST THURSDAY, AS YOU KNOW I MADE UP WITH
THE UNDERTAKER AND THE TWO OF US WENT OUT TO A BAR. AT
WHICH POINT HE BECAME SO INTOXICATED THAT I IMPLICATED HIM
IN A VAST CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT WELFAR FRAUD!!!
THEN...I HAD HIM SIGN A CONTRACT IN CONSIDERATION OF ME
OPENING A RESTAURANT UNDER HIS POPULAR TRADEMARK NAME AND
PROCEEDED TO OPEN A RESTAURANT IN HIS NAME, SERVING ONLY
POISION. I WAS SUBSEQUENTLY SUED BY THE GUESTS WHO WERE
POSISIONED AND AM CURRENTLY TYING THE UNDERTAKER UP IN
LITIGATION BY JOINING HIM AS A PARTY UNDER RULE 19 OF THE
FEDERAL RULES OF CIVIL PROCEDURE, DUE TO HIS STATUS AS AN
ESSENTIAL PARTY TO THE LITIGATION AT HAND. BETWEEN THAT AND
THE CONSPIRACY TO COMMITT WELFARE FRAUD, HE WILL NEVER SEE
THE LIGHT OF DAY!!!
and then when he gets in the ring he won't actually fight
his opponents. instead he'll have a side-character, "The
Paralegal" who gets in the ring and does all of the fighting
for him. Then every match will end with The Paralegal
getting beaten to a pulp, and The Lawyer requeswting a legal
remedy. Or getting the opponent disqualified. in fact 99%
of his fights will end with,
"AND THE LAWYER HAS JUST ISSUED A WRITTEN STATEMENT.
CLAIMING THAT THE PARALEGAL IS IN FACT A RETARDED 13 YEAR
OLD BOY, WHO DID NOT HAVE THE CAPACITY TO CONSENT TO THE
BATTLE WHICH HE UNDERTOOK. THEREFORE, ON GROUNDS OF THE
INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, ASSAULT,
BATTERY, ATTEMPTED MURDER, BRANDISHING A DEADLY WEAPON, AND
DAMAGES IN EXCESS OF $15 MILLION DOLLARS, THE CHALLENGER HAS
HEREBY ACCEPTED THE LAWYERS CONTRACTUAL OFFER OF
INDEMNIFICATION...THE WINNER OF THIS BOUT DUE TO
DISQUALIFICATION...THE LAWYER!!!!"
marketable.