Beadgirl

I am out of ideas
2006-12-04 01:06:52 (UTC)

Death by a million cuts

That's how I feel that my life is right now. I feel like
everything is slowly coming apart, one tiny piece at a time,
and I have absolutely no power to stop any of it. And I
feel like the more I try to do it about it, the more I mess
it up. So what do I do - do I just say fuck it and let
things unravel and lose everything or do I keep trying to
fix things in the hope that I stummble across the right
thing to do?

I took a bath right after I got home from the baby shower,
and I thought I would feel better, but I just feel terrible.
Right now, I want to go upstairs and get in the shower and
cry and cry and cry until I either fall asleep or throw up.
I know I don't have that much time left at the Village, but
I hate working there. Everybody there (except Angel) puts
me in a bad mood. And Angel is gone this week in Costa
Rica. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I have other things I want to
do, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to do them. I just
want a way to turn my fucking mind off tonight, and I don't
know how.

Tom went hunting with Tim today, and after they finished not
shooting any ducks, they went to the BoatHouse and got
lunch, which was three pints each, two shots of whiskey, and
two dozen wings. So he's asleep right now, upstairs, and I
can't really talk to him.

Rob stopped by last night as I was finishing up dinner
before Tom's folks came over. Tom invited him in, and had
no sooner shaken his hand and said, "How are ya?" when Rob
said, "Well, I'm getting a divorce." We were both
completely gobsmacked to hear that Shiloah has hooked up
with some guy from Keene, and that's where she's been living
since the end of October. Tom thought that Rob looked
pretty good, considering what he's been through since he got
back from Idaho in September, but he still looked awful to
me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing when Rob told us
all about it. It was absolutely horrible. I think the
worst of it is that I think that Rob genuinely loved her,
and she just didn't know what she wanted. It shook me and
Tom to hear Rob talk about ending his ten-year relationship
with Shiloah in just the last two weeks. He said that
yesterday morning he had spoken with her, and that he was
the one who finally said, "I want a divorce." Tom and I
always assumed that they were one of those couples that
would be together for good. Rob said that one of the
reasons Shiloah gave for leaving him for this other guy was
that Rob had "brainwashed" her into thinking that she didn't
want to have kids. I know this is total bullshit because
Tom and I both heard her say back in February that she
didn't want kids because "kids tie you down", and that if
she had a kid, she wouldn't be able to go skiing or hiking
whenever she wanted to.

I just feel like everything is wrong. And I don't know
where to start to make things right again.




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