I Debbie...
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2006-11-09 01:07:01 (UTC)

I Think I Am Going To Scream ICE CREAM

You would think that the holidays would evoke pictures of
snowflakes and horse driven sleighs going to gramdma's
house. Tons of relatives sipping eggnog and spiced cider
while the eldest member chops down firewood so later you
can toast marshmallows. I have just one word to say about
that. Bullshit. Pure and utter poppycock. Aint gonna ever
again happen. And do you know why this will never again
happen. Well sit on down for a fairy tale. I am going to
enlighten and horrify.
Famillies are so entranced in their own agendas that or
they are so overaccomidating that the meaning of
togetherness has gotten lost under this blanket of fog or
maybe fumes. Carbon monoxide, nitrogen and the staleness
from boredom and regret. Come over to my house. All you
need is a way here. And once you get here become trapped
in bitter memories of "my" parents and "my" problems. Its
not about or shouldn't be about the time spent in front of
a sports game on tv. I mean okay in theory after consuming
more turkey than a wolf in the middle of winter some
people fall asleep in front of the tv. But this doesn't
mean you have to partake in that tradition. If you want to
call it that. And quite frankly I don't. So ding-dong
tells me well just so you know I want to watch the OU
game. Like okay and your point is what exactly. Like I
would rather go up on Thanksgiving and actually stay. But
someone who I have already referred to can't come up with
the words "can I have the day off" or even " can I leave
early". Now he can do it when it means something to him.
Like the OU game or if it his family. But if doesn't have
to confront someone or open his fucking mouth then by
golly he won't. Self absorbed and stubborn. I have half a
mind to tell my mam that we will stay with them.. And on
an aside if I hear that frickin" tv on any more weather
topics I am going to pull its plag. But back on the mother
thing. It would drive me either crazy or to drink or both.
SO that really isn't an option. But just to piss him off I
have the impulse. And frankly I want to go up because of
the kids. Okay now he has a special on about SFrancisco.
And now he turned it off. He could have said hey SF is on
tv. But he wouldn't think of that now would he. Self
absorbed and stubborn. Maybe I should call him SS Brian.
And it would really drive me nuts to be there all weekend
long. Like she wants a buffer from dad and Mike. But I
just can't bring myself to be near her for that long.I
have this aversion to be around anyone who is that weak.
Especially in her case when she used to be such a source
of overly aggressive cruelty. I just can't or don't trust
it. I don't want to be a part of it.I feel like the ocean.
When it gets too close I go farther out to sea. Then when
the waves bring me in sometimes I crash against a rocky
broken coast. A coast I am both familiar with and make
ugly noises against.

Yah that is the hell my holidays are like. I hope for
better but frankly I can't think of anything I have had
that is better. Bitter and salty, a drunk you don't ever
recover from. An eternal hangover. Memories are dimmed
through time even though the internal knowledge is
burned into your soul with the brand of red hot heat.

I Debbie