ShadowDawn

aRegretfulSerenity
2006-11-08 21:24:10 (UTC)

subdued normalcy

the past week fews have been a hot mess. to put it
lightly. i dont think ive ever been as bipolar as this,
spiking so much in just one day.
dealing with so much stress, school-wise and so much
negativity VWIL wise, added all on top of my perpetual
regret of past events, torn friendships, and the
unchangeable. ive felt useless, a dead weight, like im just
a waste of air. ive had the most persistant negative
thoughts that simply wont go away. ive spent entire days
lying on my floor, unthinking, completely immoble. it took
every effort just to get up to take a piss. i actually
debated just lettin it go right there, but figured it might
be a sanitary issue for my roommate.
then the next day, im better, lughing and joking with
everyone else. an hour goes by, and im passed out on the
floor again, catatonic. sometimes id wonder if it was
possible to die from pure lack of willpower within a day.
definately seemed like it would be.
it got so bad a couple days back where i was fluxuating so
bad where i was catatonic then manic back and forth within
minutes that at one point i was severely depressed BUT with
the energy to do something about it. im not stupid, so i
tried calling my friend. i didnt get answer. i tried 6 or
seven times, i even called her house. i figured she either
didnt have her phone or was choosing to ignore me. so what
do i do? i call the one person who told me to kill myself a
few months back. i didnt even realize what i was doing until
the voicemail beeped at me and i started leaving a message.
then i thought: "this was stupid." why would i call the one
person i thought hated me so much that she wanted me to die?
so i hung up.
a few hours later, after the energy wore off and hit that
catatonic state again, i snapped out of it, slowly returning
to subdued normalcy. then i went to bed. but then i woke up
to a completely surprise.
a text from the girl i called asking if i was okay.
completely unexpected. at least from my perspective. i was
more expecting a "fuck you" kind of text. but no, instead a
pleasant surprise.
i immediately felt better on the whole. maybe bc i
realized things werent as shitty as i was making them out to
be. then another wave of regret from the torn friendship. it
wasnt nearly as depressing this time. going from thinking
she wanted me dead to asking about my well being is kind of
an improvement.
so that helped eleviate that part of my stressors.
then i got an email from david. finally. hearing from him
directly sure beats the hell out of word-of-mouth
cantations. hes okay and happy and he says hes coming home
as soon as he can. kinda wish we knew when. maybe have a
party er something. but it was good just to hear from him.
now that part of my stressors is a little bit better too.
still have to deal with failing classes, ADHD, negativity
and stuck in the middle of all the drama. still feels like
im running through molasses, going absolutely nowhere.
so things arent great. BUT! things arent as bad. for now.
its a welcoming feeling, returning to the subdued normalcy.
at least i can make sense of my thoughts. even if they are
still a bit negative.
whatever.
i can deal.




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