Let's see how long this lasts
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2006-11-07 09:55:15 (UTC)

What do you want from me God?

its ridiculous that this is my third entry tonight but I
have to talk to something or somebody and as it is 4:33
and any human being would think I am decidedly crazy this
will have to do. I was asleep when he called. Not too
worried since jenna had cheered me, sinking but resigned
feeling. whatever. Just now I think I experienced moments
of sheer insanity. I was scared. I am alone and scared
with no where to go and no one to go to. I have been
crying uncontrollably on my bed for the past half hour or
so alternating from sheer rage to weak pleading for
anything to happen. am I manic depressive? cause this is
ridiculous. i already acted like a total nutcase to jon.
the more I thought (and my racing mind would NOT let me go
back to sleep) the angrier I got at myself for lettingmy
gaurd down for believing last night that it could be
possible for me to actually get what I want. I hate to be
a fool and my happiness yesterday will make an utter fool
of me today. people are going to laugh and be like well
that figures you're ridiculous for waiting. I know its
not ridiculous but to hear it so much will drive me
crazy... I hear them already. What has anyone gained from
this situation? She was hurt by his honesty and action
toward me, but now as he once again gives her hope and
yanks away what I thought I had, I am crushed. He hasn't
even decided so he says. His tone tells me he has. Am I
crazy? I swear I hear it. He's off for a lark again
since there is playtime to be had. I know its what he
needs. I guess. I'm just so imbittered i guess is the
word. My soul aches with shame for allowing myself to
think I finally had you. I should've known better my
insides scream! I don't know how to deal with all of
this. I'm so crazy and upset right now and there's no one
to talk to. Will I be able to be even you're friend if
you go back to her... I doubt it. I don't know if I can.
I'm torturing myself. Is it because of what I did? Is
this karma? God why do I deserve this??? I beg You!!!!
I'm weak and I can't take anymore. It is an indescribible
feeling to be sobbing into the night with no one to hear
or care. No one to tell you its okay. I want my mother,
but then I don't cause she would just make fun of me.
Everyone would just make fun of me. I'm ridiculous. I
just want to be held and told that is okay God. Is that
too much to ask? I know it will work out in the long run,
but I'm not sure what working out is anymore. My soul
aches. How do I deal with myself? I garauntee that I
feel infinately times worse than Karen could ever feel
about him at the moment. Sure it probably hurt her pride
and her feelings last night. i wonder if it would hurt
her more to know he came directly to me? but it doesn't
matter. WHAT AM I DOING!!!!!torturing myself. for what?
I don't know. I guess I'm crazy. or just angry that I
let myself care so much and so obviously last night. i
feel used almost. that's such a dirty word. I thought
last night was special, but it seems that since he got his
fix he's good to consider other better things. I dont'
know... a lot of this is the tears talking. Maybe
something is messed up like in my system. I never get
this emotional about anything but I am absolutely torn to
pieces. I don't even know how I'll react if he doesn't go
back to her which in my mind he already has. Why else
would he consider it. its what he wants. HOW LONG DOES
IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS??? why can't it just be okay for
me to be happy and feel loved and know that everything is
okay. why must I deal with this insane doubt and hurt and
anxiety I literally layed in bed and cried out to God and
didn't feel comforted. I feel utterly alone and I can't
share it with anyone. Its all my fault I'm such an
idiot. i guess I'm glad that there's no one here to see
me, but
I'm terribly stupid. but I had to get that out. I guess
I'm going to work on my paper since it appears there will
be no sleeping for me tonight

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