Let's see how long this lasts
2006-11-07 03:22:39 (UTC)

I knew it was tempting fate to be that happy

I knew it was tempting fate to be that happy. No human
should ever be allowed to be that happy because something
is sure to happen that will knock her down. I'm writing
this here because I don't think you'll check it tonight,
and I don't want to influence your decision. Today, I was
overflowing with happiness, caused everyone around me to
smile because I was smiling. It was a beautiful day. Now
I'm just scared again. I really thought that when you
said that sappy line that I loved about this being the
first kiss of the rest of our lives was for real and maybe
it was cause you said you felt like you could jump in
now. But you also said that maybe you were just excited
to be with me since it had been so long. I don't want to
rush you. I REALLY don't because it could potentially
ruin our future. But more than anything in this world I
don't want you to be with her or anyone else but me. She
wants to be your filler time. What do you need filler
time for? I KNOW you love me. From her perspective, I
know what its like to lust for you. Like I said. She'll
be as bad as any addict. She'll want more and more and
she'll fall in love with you. How dare she say that I'll
find someone else. She doesn't know me. She just wants
you, and I can't blame her for that because I do too.
Jacob wanted me. He would've been desperate even for just
being that filler time just hoping in vain that he could
steal more than that from my heart and convert me into
loving him. I know how bad it was to hurt him. To hurt
him repeatedly because I couldn't bear to see him cry. I
did it over and over FOR THREE YEARS. I broke him. It is
scarring to break a human being.
You're not attracted to her. You told me over and over.
Why would you want to do that. It's like eating spam when
there's a steak waiting for you everynight, Dancing in
front of you begging to take it instead of the spam but
you take the spam anyway. I'm not saying that she's spam
as a person in general, but she is for you. She's not
made for you and you've never said anything physically
complimentary to her except about her eyes. Filler time
relationships are generally about physical issues. She
said herself it was not worth putting serious feeling
I don't want to rush you. I expected there to be one
between she and I, but I thought I was done with her. I
feel so foolish for thinking I had you. My heart said I
did. You're eyes seemed to say it. its okay if I don't
because I know it will work out either way, but it sucks
so badly when you're not here. I can't focus on my work.
I think about you all the time. I just want you. I'm so
foolish. I just had to stop talking to Nick cause he
sensed a change in my tone and I couldn't bring myself to
explain it to him.
You should do what you want. What you need. I feel like
my cookie has been taken away. this sucks.

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