Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2006-11-05 09:18:10 (UTC)

The Things We Can't Have

It's 1105, Sunday. 327am. It snowed last night. Light
dusting. Was just enough to cover the roofs of all the
houses and a bit of the branches on the trees in the
backyard.

I feel a twinge of depression. It has a bit to do with
Megs, and I guess perhaps I've been a bit overbearing with
her. I feel as if she's moved away from me, or is trying.
I can't help but acquiese the supposed or hypothesized
wishes.

I've written a bit to her, but it seems that as of recently
she has no longer been interested in writing. She does not
seem to mind when I do not say anything to her or whether
or not I write to her.

Although, to be honest, I have not known her for a long
time. Not very long, really. A few weeks. But, for those
few weeks, I couldn't help but feel happy and warm
whenever we talked. It always seemed like our chats were
so ... personal. Deep, intimate.

The warm sort where it's dark out, and you're laying next
to someone; The clock shows it's half past three in the
morning, and you're within the deepest, most personal
throes of conversation ... sharing your innermost thoughts.

Which is not to say our conversations have been explicit in
any way, or ... inappropriate. No, that's not what we've
been doing.

It's just I've not ever met someone who's been so similar
to me in likes and dislikes. So ... close. Yet, I suppose,
so far. She's already taken, and I think her heart is
really with her boyfriend.

I was thinking about why I always seem to be attracted to
the girls who are already in relationships, and I wonder if
there is perhaps something to explain this besides
coincidence.

A hastily put together thought is that perhaps I find them
attractive because ... if they're in a relationship it
implies they are capable of loving and are capable of
nurturing.

Which, I suppose, I crave for myself.

At anyrate, I only hope that I am wrong about my
interpretations and that perhaps she has just been a bit
preoccupied. That, perhaps, I have not damaged the
relationship.

I have such a bad track record of doing that.

Maybe ... She would be happier with me? Perhaps, I should
try to take her away? Woo her, and what not.

Although, a romantic idea, I can't help but feel that
there is a flaw of some sort here. Perhaps the flaw is in
the perception. If she really wanted me, why would she
avoid me? Or, make it seem like she was?

I guess ... I have my answer now.

Oh well. It was a fun few weeks.




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