2006-10-19 08:45:01 (UTC)

gathering storm

haven't written since feb, apparently.

surprise surprise, still the same. probably worse, social
life is nil, but at least it's pushing me to go to the
counseling center again.

one new revelation: i have practically no good memories.
here are my only positive memories:

- biking up to yorba linda for some weekly trade show (what
i consider one of the best days of my life, even though i
didn't interact with anyone in particular)

- times i've laughed with others (i. e. watching funny movie
together [animation show], made others laugh [eric, maggie,
& friends of them], etc. these are short moments, they're
surrounded with neutral or negative moments, but the instant
of laughter is positive)

- solitude (i.e. playing computer game, watching tv/movie)

That's all I'm really seeing. some points i've noticed:

- not a lot of positive memories. there should be real
flashbulb memories of happy moments, like achievements in
karate or school, talking and spending time with friends
(sans laughter, there's obviously more to social interaction
than humor). question is, have i never been happy outside
the events listed, or do i just not remember them?

- happiness only in solitude. if i'm with others, it taints
that memory. it opens it up, makes it vulnerable to guilt. i
can't be sure of others feelings, so unless they're
laughing, i'm not sure if i'm worsening their life. i'm a
little surprised my subconscious rules out laughter, since i
constantly give pity laughs, even if i'm at home alone and a
comedian on tv gives a so-so joke, i laugh out loud, as if
to make him feel better. it's a habit. maybe it's because i
don't want them to feel the same pain i would feel if i
cracked a joke and no one laughed.

anyway, some more news: the key word is amygdala.

took a bio sci course all on the brain, and i've done a lot
of reading on the amygdala. this organ is important for
creating flashbulb memories, both positive and negative.
however, mine is screwy and makes flashbulb memories for all
negative experiences, and no flashbulb memories for any
positive experiences. that's the way i see it. when i go
into counseling, i'll give that spiel to the counselor, and
ask if the neurology and memory center on campus can help more.

i don't think it's a coincidence such an organization is on
uci. if anyone can help me in the nation, it's these people.
people who focus entirely on memory and the biological
workings of the brain. they have some pretty incredible
equipment, so who knows, i may be getting all these brain
scans and get a disease named after me. considering the
extreme lack of similiar cases, it's not too unlikely i may
have a disease named after me.

i dunno. past few days i've really spiraled downward. i bit
my fingers until they bled today, so somewhat more than
usual. nothing bad has really happened in the past few days
though, past month has been hell, but past few days were
fine. this could just be a warning sign to hurry up to the
counseling center. i want to know what happiness is. it's
hard to really examine my depression because i never lived a
life without depression. anyway, disregard this entry, just
had to write something, it's been too long.