Soul Flares
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2006-10-07 20:00:51 (UTC)


Why do I still love him? Why?! By this time when I was with
tommy but not really I didn't even really LIKE him anymore!
So why do I still love Luis? Why does everytime I think of
him it hurts? Why must my chest ache when I think of him? I
want him back. I want him to want me back.

I want him to hold me in his arms and tell me I'm beautiful
and kiss me and have sex with me. I want to be his world
like he's mine. I want him to love me again. I'm so scared.
Scared that he wont love me ever again. What's wrong with
me? How could he love me one day; and not the next? What did
I do wrong?

I never believed in love. Never believe it was possible to
find in highschool. So why does it feel like I did? I'm
afraid that if I keep pretending I don't love him anymore
he'll find someone else. I'm terrified that he already has.
He seems to want me to find another person to love; but I
can't. I'm not sure I can ever love anyone like I did him again.

He loved me enough to marry me once. So then why doesn't he
love me now? He still hugs me, and holds me, and makes fun
of me and calls me...I just wish I knew. I want him to love
me. I want it to be true love because my love for him is
real true love. It's not fair. Everything always reminds me
of him. Always. and it hurts every time. I pretend it doesn't.

I smile and joke and act as though it's fine and I'm over
it. Only I'm not. Not even a little. I hold back my tears
and my pain and act like it's all ok. Only it isn't. I want
so much to be happy. To not have really loved him. But i do
and I did. I want to be with him forever and he doesn't want
me anymore.

It hurts so badly I could die. I could just curl up in a
ball and die. He wants to help me. To still be my friend.
Only it hurts. Everytime I look at him and he smiles at me
it hurts. I want to see that love that he had for me. I know
it's there. I see it sometimes in his eyes. It's just so far

I don't know what I did to push him back like that. To make
his love retreat and hide. He says sometimes he misses me
and others he doesn't. I think it's because his love is
hiding from me. Like he's scared to love me as much as he
does. I want to know what happened to make him feel that
way. To suddenly doubt his feelings and not know anymore.
Most of all though; I just want him back.

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