2006-09-25 21:17:34 (UTC)

No time to think...

It's true. I thought I'd make some time for it on Saturday
but I ended up spending the evening with Chris. I worked
all day Sunday and got really pissed and sad. I was gonna
write, but I needed a sympathetic ear. Teresa wasn't up.
It happens. Chris was sleeping, I woke him up but I didn't
want to complain to him if he just woke up. He wouldn't be
there like I'd like him to be at that time and I'd get
even more aggravated. So I talked to my mom until I cried.
I wanted to tell her that I missed her a lot this morning
when I woke up and she wasn't there. I couldn't it seems

So that morning I woke up. I've been snoozing for a bit
and she calls and says that her and my dad are out fishing
that they'll be home later. She as usual told me where the
food is and asked what time am I gonna be home, reminded
me like always to take my pills, and to drive safe, and to
have a great day.

So I get up, and it's too quiet. I know she's not there,
Arthur is sleeping on the couch, just came back from
Vegas. Danish passed out in his room. I was getting up
just like normal people get up. On their own, no one
around, taking the car and doing what they have to do.
That's when it hit me... I'm so lonely.

Not in general, but that morning, and even a bit that day.
I started thinking crazy things since, like maybe I
shouldn't move out for a bit. I really should move out
when I go to Columbia but visit freaquently. Very
frequently. My mom atleast. I even started thinking that I
could just live with them as a family unit in a house.
Just with a bit more personal space. If we bought a 3 flat
house, it would be great. I could move in one flat, or
basement if it's a two flat, my parents in the middle, and
Arthur and Danish on top. Or mom and dad on top, brothers
in the middle.

I feel bad when I'm spending time with Chris and we're
both tired and somebody needs to drive home to do exactly
what we were almost doing there, sleeping. He could
practically live there with me. It would be great. My mom
I bet would love the bigger family concept. I would get
that independence of living on my own, but still so close
to parents that if I ever needed something I could just go
upstairs. The only thing that concerns me is the boom
chicka boom, cause I make a lot of noise.

Well, anyway, back to my day. In the morning there were
only two bartenders there. Me and Mert. It's not that I
hate Mert, or that I hate working....I just strongly
dislike working with Mert. I could get into details but
there's more stuff to talk about and I need to get to
class in 12 minutes. Point of that is, that even though I
was around people all the time I again, their not the
people. My friends. And Mert is just lazy and

So I got home and it just all starts hitting me hard. All
my thoughts tunmbling out at the same time.
1. Why am I in school? I already have a career?
2. Do I still wanna do film?
3. Is this business I wanna start gonna take off? What do
I have to do, when will I find time?
4. Should I cut my hair?
5. What kind of car should I buy? When will I finally have
time to do that?
6. Do I want to start a business? Why?
7. When will I have time for yoga, spirituality, wicca,
meditation, reading, stretching, writing, painting,
walking, studying unique things such as swordplay, poetry,
horseback riding, falconing, calligraphy, shakespeare...
8. When will the hours decrease? How will I cope?
9. Will I ever have a purpose to clean my room?

I will hopefully get online after class at 9 and answer
these. But for now, I should get going. Besides, it's a
bit hard to type. My poining finger of my right hand has a
big glass cut on the tip.