Mrs_Goodbar28

Lyrics of a Soul
2006-09-25 05:31:27 (UTC)

Chronometrophobia

My, it's been quite a time since I've come here. I guess
tha wedding is where I left off, I can't remember. Not
much has happened since then, except all tha drama with my
stepmother interfering with my poor brother's childfare
battles. You see, she's been a lying, manipulative,
superficial, shallow prick since we've known her (thirteen
years she continues to remind us, as if it's earned her
anything) and now she's using my brother whom I'll call
Omar (cuz he characteristically resembles Omar Epps) for
her latest object of dramatic entertainment. She can't let
well enough alone with Omar's baby mama, Chay, who
continues to brew bitter feelings about their breakup that
occurred nearly TWO YEARS AGO!!! At the time she found out
she was pregnant with my nephew Clay. Now I'm sickened by
all this further b/c my stepmother called herself having a
heart-to-heart with me last weekend. My thing is, how can
you honestly ask for forgiveness when you continue to
create bull? I really don't have the energy to explain all
of her delusions, but the fact of the matter is she has
utterly failed to treat us like family, but she expects us
to treat her as such whenever anyone is looking and we
just can't act as if she's been anything more than our
father's wife to us. Her favorite word for us when we
cross her delusional self is fake, the perfect word to
describe her! The last time she used tha word to discredit
me during our fallout two years ago at my father's
family's reunion. She is just what she claims we are,
fake! I can't stand her and I would be more than pleased
to write her out of my life, but I can't do that without
quitting my father at the same time, who used to be my
hero, but has grown to become a great disappointment as
well. I fault him for allowing her abuse and neglect of us
and for continuing to allow her to interfere negatively in
his own son's relationship with his only grandchild! I
can't believe my father, I don't understand his reasoning
and I pray he will wake up and mend the broken bond with
his son.

Enough of that talk. I really didn't want to revisit the
diary til I found something consistent to do. Thus I can
now report I finally found a job last Monday after pissing
in my pot for a whole month! I was soooo relieved because
my bills continue to pile and I was beginning to be so
depressed. My phone got cut off so I couldn't talk to
anyone and it was just a miserable time. Now there's hope
for me to get out of debt sooner with this full-time job.
The only real down sides are that I have to work late into
the nite so I won't have much energy to go out most nites.
But I'm grateful I have a moneymaker for the time being,
at least til something more purposeful and flexible comes
along.

Well, that's all going on in my world. I have taken a vow
not to engage in any senseless banter with any strange
men. Love's dead in my opinion and it may never revive
itself. I still find my subconscious haunted by the
betrayal of my tryst with the Romantic Mishap, though he's
married with child now. And I hate myself for allowing any
part of me to admit that he still affects me. I'm praying
for release from this torture and I hope anyone reading
this prays for me as well.

Until next time, live, love, life!




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