Pritheos

My Diary (Brill title)
2006-09-11 12:42:52 (UTC)

I don't know what to do (with myself)

Another entry for you all, you lucky, lucky people. But
whilst there is always the good fluffy, soft, happy side of
life there is always that niggling, evil, dark, bad side of
life. Ying and Tang, Dark and Light, Good and Evil etc. And
whilst I've been supressing my worries, I'm currently bored
and therefore things begin to surface. My problem it seems
is I think too much.

Anyway, as wonderful as I am when sober, I am sadly rather a
50/50 split as a drunk. I'm either a more confident but
generally less intelligent versaion of my good self, or a
completely self-destructive prick who cares little for
anyone else and only for myself. And it is this latter
personality failure for which I am now suffering a small
crisis. I'm avoiding specifics becaue if you're reading
this, you probably know of the consequences of my appauling
actions last Monday.

Well, now that I'm bored, as mentioned erlier at this moment
in time has sadly led me to dwell on my problem. Being the
amazing person I am, I've never enjoyed being hated by
anyone, be it friend or foe alike, and the few times that
I've had people angry or ignoring me, I've felt generally
very, very bad for the entire time that they've either been
angry or been ignoring me. This is no exception. Granted the
last main instance of this was unresolved and I eventually
made my peace with it (And from the impression I got from an
MSN conv with her a while back, I think she did to). But my
point is that Kelly wasn't my friend before, so ultimately,
my actions didn't really cost me anything. this is why this
instance is different. I feel absolutely awful about what
I've put her through since January and I thought I'd
made my peace with it finally a couple of months ago.
However, it seems my self destructive drunken self decided
that I hadn't.

And now, I really don't know what to do. Five texts all of
varying tones but all with the message that i'm sorry have
sparked no reply. My intention to apologise to her face at
the Star failed when she didn't go. My intention to
apologise to her face at the Black castle has now failed as
we aren't going this evening. So, with not long till
everyone goes off to uni, the question is:

Will I even see her before then to apologise?
If not, it's unlikely I'll see her full stop. And that just
fills me with absolute anguish. Last time I lost a potential
friend, this time I've lost an actual one, which is about 10
million times worse and I feel 10 million times worse about
it. Anyone who knew me back in this last instance knows that
10 million times worse can't be good.

Ya know, I'm drawing a line under this entry. See you all
again soon.

Hopefully




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